Still Missin Ya

Heya lady! I know you are shaking your head and chuckling. There I was this evening at grief support, encouraging Mama to journal, telling her how it sucks while you are doing it but it feels ok afterwards. Then I get home, get snippy with Ben and bawl my eyes out re-reading this blog. And now I've got that stupid lump in my throat. I use to think that if you get that lump, you can just cry it out. Now I can bawl my eyes out and the lump is still there.

I still miss you Boop, I miss you so much. It hasn't gotten easier but its not as hard-only a griever could make sense of that:) I don't hate every minute of every day that you aren't here anymore, just chunks of time here and there. Its with me every day, I guess cuz you were with me every day so ya might as well be forever huh?

Bella and I planted a flower bed around the apple tree in the backyard. I had always wanted flowers in the back just to have SOME color, but I finally decided it HAD to be by the apple tree because that was YOUR tree. You got so much joy out of watching it bloom and seeing the apples grow, knowing that you would pick them and make apple sauce for my baby that hadn't even been born yet. Last year we had only one apple because of the last freeze. I cannot explain the joy I felt when I noticed it was blooming yesterday-we'll have apples again!!! Everytime I go pick one, I'll think of you. Bella is still eating your apple sauce!! soooo Bella and I planted a flower bed and you were with us. She dug for worms and said in her sweet Bella voice, "weemy weemy" whenever I taught her it was a "wormy". We planted stargazer lilies, caladiums, and the tulips that Papa got me for Valentine's Day. That is going to be our GiGi place. We need to have a place we can go and just be with you. It'll be nice. I took Bella down there this afternoon and said, "See, this is where GiGi's flowers will be." She smiled and giggled and danced around the tree. I hate that she can't run and dance around you anymore, I miss it all the time cuz I know how much it made your heart smile.

I'm trying to hang on to the good memories-I have SOOOO many. Literally my entire lifetime cuz you were there every single step of the way. You were my very first babysitter, my favorite neighbor, and I will never forget how excited I got about sleep overs at Nana's house. We'd snuggle up in your bed, have a "midnight snack" and read our books-and of course, a back scratch with your awesome nails. Nobody could ever compete with your back scratches-you could go for hours and wouldn't stop until I said it was ok:) And then you'd fix me French toast in the morning. When Anthony was older, we'd go on "adventures" and walk to Fairview Park where he'd take us on guided tours of the creek. I guess that was just practice for the tours he loves to give of his City now. I remember you cleaned your house from top to bottom every Saturday. You'd vacuum under the couches and dust everything in sight. I loved the smell of furniture polish cuz of you. I remember spending the night at your house everytime it stormed cuz Daddy worked nights and Mama was scared. And all the nights we all climbed into the tub with a mattress over our heads. Then in high school, I lived with you for a while and came home drunk one morning and you wanted to take me to the hospital for drug testing!!! ooohhh Lordy! Yep, you were ALWAYS there! And I love it! You were right there with me loving every minute of my pregnancy, I loved having someone with me that was as excited as me. And all the OBGYN doctor appointments you went with me, and when I got too big to fit behind the steering wheel, you'd drive me. I know sometimes I acted like your RN-royalty bugged me, but it was so comforting having you there, knowing you would ask all the questions that I'd never think of, and that you'd reassure me when it got scary. I bawl thinking that I'll miss that with the next baby. My expert won't be there to hold my hand and answer my questions. (k pause for a 5 minute cry LOL) You drove me insane when I was in labor, hovering over the monitors, saying, "OMG that was a BIG one!!!" But I wouldn't give it up for the world and Mama, you dang well better put on the most annoying act possible in her place!!!! My favorite image is of you laying on the floor with my tinky baby, just talking to her and singing.

I miss you Nana Banana, soooo much. UGH it still hurts!!! It still sucks and I just want you back. Mama says that she wishes she could have you for just 5 more minutes. 5 minutes just ain't gonna hack it for me. I need ya here forever, for all the rest of the steps. Sometimes I just dunno how its all gonna happen without you here but I know it will. I'm loving showing flowers to Bella now cuz I know you would be doing that this spring. The flowers keep me going.

I love you Boop, forever and ever and always. Thanks for being my Nana. I love being your girl.

XOXO
G'night Irene