God has blessed me with the opportunity to be a part of the GriefShare ministry at Fellowship. We start our next cycle on September 6. This group focuses solely on the grief over the loss of a loved one. Over the past few weeks I've found myself wondering if God is working His ways again... not just allowing me to use my own grief journey that He guided me through when my Nana died OR if He has placed me in this group at this exact time so I can relearn the grief process and remind me to lean on HIM during these intense times of Mama Grief.
That is what I've decided to name these new emotions that I know God is using to condition my heart because these are a drop in the bucket of what I'll experience, and what I'll watch others experience, as we move through our adoption.
It is a selfish grief. It is grief for the children my body can no longer carry itself. Grief over knowing I'll never again feel a baby grow and move about in their tiny world within my body. Grief for the children that my body will never feed from itself.
It is a longing grief. God has placed it on my heart that in all likelihood, if things go as He seems to be revealing His plan to be, one of our children is likely already born or very soon to be born. And a day doesn't pass by that I do not physically long to hold that child in my arms. To kiss their sweet head. To know their smell. To rub their soft hands and kiss their tiny toes. To wrap them up and have skin to skin contact so we can bond and feel safe with each other. To pour Christ's love into every pore of their being. To jump at the chance to meet every single one of their needs and never let them doubt or wonder for a second if it is going to be met. (I'm not saying I'm the only one that can meet those needs-trust me, been there and learned that one the hard way with Bean. But I have learned that is the foundation of many adoptees' attachment challenges. But we also do not know our children's stories yet. They may be in foster care with an incredible family that loves them, cares for them, meets every single need and adore every moment they have with them. And there will be grief with that.) It is a grief of knowing that a child designed uniquely by God to be part of our family (us for them and them for us) is out there but not physically part of our family. I equate it to what it must feel like if one of your children is kidnapped and missing. You KNOW with that crazy, God-instilled Mama Bear Instinct that they are out there and you NEED with every fiber of your being to find them and hold them-for both of you. Selfish? Smoothering love? Maybe. But for some reason, it is how God made me. And so far (*knock on wood*) it hasn't damaged my kiddos too much.
It is an overwhelming grief for the grief that I know our children and their natural families will endure-not just at the moment of birth or the moment of loss of one another, but for the rest of their lives. Whether it is open or closed, there will be grief. Grief over lost dreams. Grief over not only their child and living life with their child, but a loss of who they were before their child's existence and before adoption. Grief over the way God created things to be and how that doesn't always line up with our expectations, no matter the reasons or situation. Grief over how society will forever view the natural family and how that will clog their healing.
Society consistently denies the natural family their right to grieve. Studies have shown that a natural mother's grief actually does the exact opposite of what is expected with grief involved with death: death grief generally decreases as time goes by, while natural mothers report that their anger and sense of loss actually increase over time (Dr. Condon's study of mothers in South Australia and Winkler and van Keppel's study of mothers). The loss of a child through adoption is one which usually is not openly acknowledged, and the mothers suffer alone in silence and are not "given permission" to grieve.
In many cases, the family that brought this child into the world is not recognized by the community. They will experience an emotional roller coaster that will span their entire lifetime. A roller coaster that I have never ridden and likely will never ride. A roller coaster that I can only read about in adoption books or nautral mother blogs. A roller coaster I can only imagine if I think of losing my own children, and even then, it doesn't touch it. And grief is only a chunk of that roller coaster.
It is an agonizing grief over the small glimpses of what I fathom grief will look like for the 2Bs. Grief over losses that include natural parents, extended family, foster family, home, pets, neighborhoods, schools, friends, treasured belongings, and in some cases culture. This article opened my eyes BIG time. And that is only a tiny speck of the tip of the iceberg of the 2Bs' grief.
That is as much as God will let me process at this point. I know adoption is not beautiful. It is not natural. It is messy and at times horrific torture for the triad, and the triad's traids, and their triads. I know the grief is only part of the process, and that the healing is lifelong. I know it will become a LARGE LARGE LARGE ginormous part of our every living breath. But I also know my God. And I know He heals and He loves, and He calls us to love all of our children. So for now I am trying to let it all soak in-the many griefs for the many people involved, and I try to somehow hand it over to Him and ask Him for the strength to begin to process it all so that when it is our every living breath, maybe just maybe, it will be a tiny nano-grain bit easier to hand it over every.single.second.
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Monday, August 29, 2011
Monday, February 1, 2010
Wisdom & Discernment
I laid in bed praying ALOT last night-mainly for wisdom and discernment. Mostly discernment and then wisdom to know what to do with what I discern (hey a girl can hope!!). Just to know whether this is truly God's will, if it is the Holy Spirit proding my heart (and giving me some crazzzzzy baby fever), if it is Satan breaking me down when I worry how in the world will we ever make this work (or is that God attempting to warn me to just not even go after it)... and on and on.
I know this awesome dream is way off in the future of coming true but my head is just FULL of adoption thoughts. My thoughts-pray pray pray on it for the rest of 2010 and then start moving forward... but also thankful for God's timing and just trying to remember to breath and let HIM be in charge. Hunter was not "unplanned" but he definitely came to be ALOT sooner than OUR plans had laid out (found out we were pregnant in April 08 but hadn't planned on that happening until later that year or even into 2009-ended up diagnosed with cancer April 2009). God is SOOO awesome and he knew what the future held, he knew the cancer was coming and that this was the absolute last moment that I could conceive a child-so thankful for His timing!! So I know that if this truly is his plan for our family and for this possible child, that his timing will prevail (despite the fact that I want it NOW-I'm learning that "now" just isn't in His vocabulary and am grateful for that every moment of every day).
So wisdom and discernment, and allowing God's will and timing to prevail. Then the morning comes and sweet Bella Bean pipes in. We have not voiced any of our plans or dreams to her at this point-have only tossed it around between ourselves after the kiddos have gone to bed. She wakes up this morning and says, "Mama I had a dream. I want a baby sissy. We have one boy, one big girl, one little girl" and proceeded to show me the three little people on her fingers. Mama got her morning milk and took a quick potty break so I could compose myself after that lil revelation!!!
Off to play with my Bean (ANOTHER snow day, Daddy had to work and Hunter's daycare was open so its a chica day). Gonna try to just focus on being the Godly mom and wife that God designed me to be for my "right now" family-though I'll admit, this weekend, every little thing we did or said I was imaging another little person added to the mix, and every time it made my heart do huge loopy-de-loops and major smiles!!
I know this awesome dream is way off in the future of coming true but my head is just FULL of adoption thoughts. My thoughts-pray pray pray on it for the rest of 2010 and then start moving forward... but also thankful for God's timing and just trying to remember to breath and let HIM be in charge. Hunter was not "unplanned" but he definitely came to be ALOT sooner than OUR plans had laid out (found out we were pregnant in April 08 but hadn't planned on that happening until later that year or even into 2009-ended up diagnosed with cancer April 2009). God is SOOO awesome and he knew what the future held, he knew the cancer was coming and that this was the absolute last moment that I could conceive a child-so thankful for His timing!! So I know that if this truly is his plan for our family and for this possible child, that his timing will prevail (despite the fact that I want it NOW-I'm learning that "now" just isn't in His vocabulary and am grateful for that every moment of every day).
So wisdom and discernment, and allowing God's will and timing to prevail. Then the morning comes and sweet Bella Bean pipes in. We have not voiced any of our plans or dreams to her at this point-have only tossed it around between ourselves after the kiddos have gone to bed. She wakes up this morning and says, "Mama I had a dream. I want a baby sissy. We have one boy, one big girl, one little girl" and proceeded to show me the three little people on her fingers. Mama got her morning milk and took a quick potty break so I could compose myself after that lil revelation!!!
Off to play with my Bean (ANOTHER snow day, Daddy had to work and Hunter's daycare was open so its a chica day). Gonna try to just focus on being the Godly mom and wife that God designed me to be for my "right now" family-though I'll admit, this weekend, every little thing we did or said I was imaging another little person added to the mix, and every time it made my heart do huge loopy-de-loops and major smiles!!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Cancer + Adoption
A little of today's research. When this whole dream began sprouting, the fact that I HAD cancer never really played a factor in my mind. Even when I was kicking cancer's butt, I didn't see myself as "sick", and still struggle to get it into my mind that I had cancer and beat it (and had a few close brushes with NOT beating it). So I guess that makes it hard for me to imagine being turned away for adoption. But after only a tiny bit of research, I've discovered that MANY countries do not allow cancer survivors to adopt. And even with the countries that do allow cancer survivors to adopt, you have to be picky with the agency. And then, they may require that I be cancer free for several years (in April I will just be one year out from diagnosis).
Most adoption agencies report that they do not rule out cancer survivors as potential parents, especially with documentation from a doctor stating that lifespan and quality of life are expected to be good. However, some agencies do require a certain amount of time to pass before allowing a survivor to be eligible (e.g. 5 years).
CancerPoints:
Countries from which cancer survivors have adopted children include: Colombia, Ethiopia, Guatemala, Kazakhstan, Nepal, Russia, South Korea (5 years), Ukraine, United States of America and Vietnam.
AWAA is out of the picture: Prospective parents must be free of cancer or other life-threatening diseases for at least three (3) years before applying to AWAA. At least we don't have to worry about this part (LOL): Families who are in the process of adopting from China who become pregnant must withdraw from the adoption process until their birth child is one year old. Families who are in the process of adopting from other countries who become pregnant must withdraw from the adoption process until their birth child is 6 months old. A family whose adoption has been withdrawn should inform us if their pregnancy does not come to term.
Did find some hope:
http://theeyesofmyeyesareopened.blogspot.com/ (Ethiopia)
http://www.thisisnow.org/ (domestic adoption)
Keep on praying!! Gonna go dig some more while Bean naps (sounds like she is napping at least, haven't heard her reading over the monitor in a few-LOVE listening to her sweet voice).
Just ready this on Gladney:
Most adoption agencies report that they do not rule out cancer survivors as potential parents, especially with documentation from a doctor stating that lifespan and quality of life are expected to be good. However, some agencies do require a certain amount of time to pass before allowing a survivor to be eligible (e.g. 5 years).
CancerPoints:
Countries from which cancer survivors have adopted children include: Colombia, Ethiopia, Guatemala, Kazakhstan, Nepal, Russia, South Korea (5 years), Ukraine, United States of America and Vietnam.
AWAA is out of the picture: Prospective parents must be free of cancer or other life-threatening diseases for at least three (3) years before applying to AWAA. At least we don't have to worry about this part (LOL): Families who are in the process of adopting from China who become pregnant must withdraw from the adoption process until their birth child is one year old. Families who are in the process of adopting from other countries who become pregnant must withdraw from the adoption process until their birth child is 6 months old. A family whose adoption has been withdrawn should inform us if their pregnancy does not come to term.
Did find some hope:
http://theeyesofmyeyesareopened.blogspot.com/ (Ethiopia)
http://www.thisisnow.org/ (domestic adoption)
Keep on praying!! Gonna go dig some more while Bean naps (sounds like she is napping at least, haven't heard her reading over the monitor in a few-LOVE listening to her sweet voice).
Just ready this on Gladney:
Q: My wife was diagnosed with colon cancer a few months ago. We are curious if we would still be able to adopt a child.
A: Gladney requires that prospective parents be cancer free for at least one full year before starting the adoption process. As long as the prospective parent is currently healthy and can provide a letter from their physician stating so, there shouldn't be any problems.
The Beginning
As far back as I can remember, my heart was already growing a special place for adoption. Even as a young girl growing up in a small town in north Texas, I was passionately intrigued by stories of adoption, and not just the novelty of it, but actually having an intense desire for it to be a part of my life.
Before I met Ben, MY plan was to have 3 boys (no thought ever really went into HOW these 3 children were going to come to be), stay single, live in an awesome cottage with TONS of land in the country with a short commute to a big city-yep, basically your everyday Angelina. Thankfully God had so much more amazing things in store for us! I met Ben and quickly threw away any single-mom-of-3-in-big-city notions out the window. (oh you are an awesome mighty God!)
Even in the beginning we randomly threw around the idea of adoption but both agreed we wanted to at least try to have children of our own. Again, God blessed us-in ways we didn't even realize at first. Isabella Grace was born in July 2006-we fell instantly in love and she has had us wrapped around her adorable (yet, at times, wiggly bossy) finger from the moment we laid eyes on the first of at least 10 positive pregnancy tests. Less than 2 years later, Ben was welcomed home by a little surprise:
Hunter Thomas was born December 2008 (thankfully NOT on his due date!!) and we became the May Quad. Flash forward 4 months, I hear the words, "It is cancer". Totally unexpected and unimaginably life changing. I was growing cancer at the same time I was growing our sweet baby boy. God is an all knowing God, and if Mr. Hunter is not proof of that, I'm not sure what is.
April 28, 2009 I had a radical hysterectomy, bilateral salpingo-oopherectomy and removal of 12 lymph nodes in the pelvic-abdominal region. In layman's terms, basically every internal female organ I once had was no more. I would never again grow a baby in my womb. At first, this thought did not phase me-I was in warrior mode just trying to literally live each day and defeat this disease. So what if I was missing a few parts... I was alive! After 28 treatments (every weekday for 6 weeks) of external radiation and a blood transfusion (aka my vampire treatment) and my first post-op, post-radiation CAT scan, I was declared cancer free!!! I never knew such sweet words!
Life sloooowly began to creep back to normal-or more like our "new normal". This new normal consists of us having to tenderly broach the subject of "Mama is going to the doctor" with Bella anytime my check-ups come around (every 3 months) because her precious heart cannot let go of that raw fear of that one time Mama "went to the doctor" and didn't come home for almost a week and how much it changed her sweet, innocent life. This new normal is me being thankful every day that Hunter was only 4 months old and will likely not have any fear-filled memories of his mama's cancer conquering days-even though I still weep over the days I missed holding him in my arms, bonding through feeding him my milk, and having to hear his giggles seep through the walls as I lay in bed struggling to overcome fatigue. This new normal is me, finally crossing over to "the other side" where I AM cancer free but have lost the ability to ever again surprise my husband with a pregnancy test. This new normal is me feeling my heart well up and overflow with the thought of the ability to once again bring home a baby for my family to surround with love, acceptance, awe, and a yearning to show God's love. Can you "hear" the celebration in my voice?
The seed really got planted when my sweet Mrs. Kathy (part of my Cancer Posse-diagnosed at the same time and our radiation appts were back to back so I was immensely blessed by her hugs and sweet notes each afternoon-she kept me going!) showed me a picture of her newest grandbaby, Sosi. If you don't fall in love with that sweet face, you need to get your heart checked out!!! I followed the Rusch Family's story as they experienced their "Gotcha Day" and brought beautiful Sosna Elle home-and every time (even AGAIN today) I watch the story unfold through their pictures, I end up bawling (poor Ben keeps thinking I forgot to change my hormone patch LOL). It has awoken something in my heart that I had long forgotten (or maybe just pushed aside for a bit til God knew it was His time to gently remind me). And God has worked through me to gently re-awaken the same in Ben (ok, so a bit of a slower process there but we gotta tread lightly with the old folks LOL). This is still very very very much a tiny work in process (though my heart is saying, "Hello, this is HUGE!!!") and only in the very beginning stages of even thinking of possibly considering, but I have a feeling it is something that will not leave my heart or mind or prayers for a very long time.
Please just pray that if this IS indeed God's will, that He will prepare our family (emotionally, spiritually, physically in health, financially, etc), that He will bring forth the child that he has already designed specifically for our family (and us for this child) and that He will pave the way to bring us together. I named this blog "Chiduben" or "guided by God" in the African language of Igbo. I just pray that this whole process will truly be guided by God.
Off for now to do my normal Danielle thing-research:)
Before I met Ben, MY plan was to have 3 boys (no thought ever really went into HOW these 3 children were going to come to be), stay single, live in an awesome cottage with TONS of land in the country with a short commute to a big city-yep, basically your everyday Angelina. Thankfully God had so much more amazing things in store for us! I met Ben and quickly threw away any single-mom-of-3-in-big-city notions out the window. (oh you are an awesome mighty God!)
Even in the beginning we randomly threw around the idea of adoption but both agreed we wanted to at least try to have children of our own. Again, God blessed us-in ways we didn't even realize at first. Isabella Grace was born in July 2006-we fell instantly in love and she has had us wrapped around her adorable (yet, at times, wiggly bossy) finger from the moment we laid eyes on the first of at least 10 positive pregnancy tests. Less than 2 years later, Ben was welcomed home by a little surprise:
Hunter Thomas was born December 2008 (thankfully NOT on his due date!!) and we became the May Quad. Flash forward 4 months, I hear the words, "It is cancer". Totally unexpected and unimaginably life changing. I was growing cancer at the same time I was growing our sweet baby boy. God is an all knowing God, and if Mr. Hunter is not proof of that, I'm not sure what is.
April 28, 2009 I had a radical hysterectomy, bilateral salpingo-oopherectomy and removal of 12 lymph nodes in the pelvic-abdominal region. In layman's terms, basically every internal female organ I once had was no more. I would never again grow a baby in my womb. At first, this thought did not phase me-I was in warrior mode just trying to literally live each day and defeat this disease. So what if I was missing a few parts... I was alive! After 28 treatments (every weekday for 6 weeks) of external radiation and a blood transfusion (aka my vampire treatment) and my first post-op, post-radiation CAT scan, I was declared cancer free!!! I never knew such sweet words!
Life sloooowly began to creep back to normal-or more like our "new normal". This new normal consists of us having to tenderly broach the subject of "Mama is going to the doctor" with Bella anytime my check-ups come around (every 3 months) because her precious heart cannot let go of that raw fear of that one time Mama "went to the doctor" and didn't come home for almost a week and how much it changed her sweet, innocent life. This new normal is me being thankful every day that Hunter was only 4 months old and will likely not have any fear-filled memories of his mama's cancer conquering days-even though I still weep over the days I missed holding him in my arms, bonding through feeding him my milk, and having to hear his giggles seep through the walls as I lay in bed struggling to overcome fatigue. This new normal is me, finally crossing over to "the other side" where I AM cancer free but have lost the ability to ever again surprise my husband with a pregnancy test. This new normal is me feeling my heart well up and overflow with the thought of the ability to once again bring home a baby for my family to surround with love, acceptance, awe, and a yearning to show God's love. Can you "hear" the celebration in my voice?
The seed really got planted when my sweet Mrs. Kathy (part of my Cancer Posse-diagnosed at the same time and our radiation appts were back to back so I was immensely blessed by her hugs and sweet notes each afternoon-she kept me going!) showed me a picture of her newest grandbaby, Sosi. If you don't fall in love with that sweet face, you need to get your heart checked out!!! I followed the Rusch Family's story as they experienced their "Gotcha Day" and brought beautiful Sosna Elle home-and every time (even AGAIN today) I watch the story unfold through their pictures, I end up bawling (poor Ben keeps thinking I forgot to change my hormone patch LOL). It has awoken something in my heart that I had long forgotten (or maybe just pushed aside for a bit til God knew it was His time to gently remind me). And God has worked through me to gently re-awaken the same in Ben (ok, so a bit of a slower process there but we gotta tread lightly with the old folks LOL). This is still very very very much a tiny work in process (though my heart is saying, "Hello, this is HUGE!!!") and only in the very beginning stages of even thinking of possibly considering, but I have a feeling it is something that will not leave my heart or mind or prayers for a very long time.
Please just pray that if this IS indeed God's will, that He will prepare our family (emotionally, spiritually, physically in health, financially, etc), that He will bring forth the child that he has already designed specifically for our family (and us for this child) and that He will pave the way to bring us together. I named this blog "Chiduben" or "guided by God" in the African language of Igbo. I just pray that this whole process will truly be guided by God.
Off for now to do my normal Danielle thing-research:)
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