I laid in bed praying ALOT last night-mainly for wisdom and discernment. Mostly discernment and then wisdom to know what to do with what I discern (hey a girl can hope!!). Just to know whether this is truly God's will, if it is the Holy Spirit proding my heart (and giving me some crazzzzzy baby fever), if it is Satan breaking me down when I worry how in the world will we ever make this work (or is that God attempting to warn me to just not even go after it)... and on and on.
I know this awesome dream is way off in the future of coming true but my head is just FULL of adoption thoughts. My thoughts-pray pray pray on it for the rest of 2010 and then start moving forward... but also thankful for God's timing and just trying to remember to breath and let HIM be in charge. Hunter was not "unplanned" but he definitely came to be ALOT sooner than OUR plans had laid out (found out we were pregnant in April 08 but hadn't planned on that happening until later that year or even into 2009-ended up diagnosed with cancer April 2009). God is SOOO awesome and he knew what the future held, he knew the cancer was coming and that this was the absolute last moment that I could conceive a child-so thankful for His timing!! So I know that if this truly is his plan for our family and for this possible child, that his timing will prevail (despite the fact that I want it NOW-I'm learning that "now" just isn't in His vocabulary and am grateful for that every moment of every day).
So wisdom and discernment, and allowing God's will and timing to prevail. Then the morning comes and sweet Bella Bean pipes in. We have not voiced any of our plans or dreams to her at this point-have only tossed it around between ourselves after the kiddos have gone to bed. She wakes up this morning and says, "Mama I had a dream. I want a baby sissy. We have one boy, one big girl, one little girl" and proceeded to show me the three little people on her fingers. Mama got her morning milk and took a quick potty break so I could compose myself after that lil revelation!!!
Off to play with my Bean (ANOTHER snow day, Daddy had to work and Hunter's daycare was open so its a chica day). Gonna try to just focus on being the Godly mom and wife that God designed me to be for my "right now" family-though I'll admit, this weekend, every little thing we did or said I was imaging another little person added to the mix, and every time it made my heart do huge loopy-de-loops and major smiles!!
Showing posts with label Bella. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bella. Show all posts
Monday, February 1, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Beginning
As far back as I can remember, my heart was already growing a special place for adoption. Even as a young girl growing up in a small town in north Texas, I was passionately intrigued by stories of adoption, and not just the novelty of it, but actually having an intense desire for it to be a part of my life.
Before I met Ben, MY plan was to have 3 boys (no thought ever really went into HOW these 3 children were going to come to be), stay single, live in an awesome cottage with TONS of land in the country with a short commute to a big city-yep, basically your everyday Angelina. Thankfully God had so much more amazing things in store for us! I met Ben and quickly threw away any single-mom-of-3-in-big-city notions out the window. (oh you are an awesome mighty God!)
Even in the beginning we randomly threw around the idea of adoption but both agreed we wanted to at least try to have children of our own. Again, God blessed us-in ways we didn't even realize at first. Isabella Grace was born in July 2006-we fell instantly in love and she has had us wrapped around her adorable (yet, at times, wiggly bossy) finger from the moment we laid eyes on the first of at least 10 positive pregnancy tests. Less than 2 years later, Ben was welcomed home by a little surprise:
Hunter Thomas was born December 2008 (thankfully NOT on his due date!!) and we became the May Quad. Flash forward 4 months, I hear the words, "It is cancer". Totally unexpected and unimaginably life changing. I was growing cancer at the same time I was growing our sweet baby boy. God is an all knowing God, and if Mr. Hunter is not proof of that, I'm not sure what is.
April 28, 2009 I had a radical hysterectomy, bilateral salpingo-oopherectomy and removal of 12 lymph nodes in the pelvic-abdominal region. In layman's terms, basically every internal female organ I once had was no more. I would never again grow a baby in my womb. At first, this thought did not phase me-I was in warrior mode just trying to literally live each day and defeat this disease. So what if I was missing a few parts... I was alive! After 28 treatments (every weekday for 6 weeks) of external radiation and a blood transfusion (aka my vampire treatment) and my first post-op, post-radiation CAT scan, I was declared cancer free!!! I never knew such sweet words!
Life sloooowly began to creep back to normal-or more like our "new normal". This new normal consists of us having to tenderly broach the subject of "Mama is going to the doctor" with Bella anytime my check-ups come around (every 3 months) because her precious heart cannot let go of that raw fear of that one time Mama "went to the doctor" and didn't come home for almost a week and how much it changed her sweet, innocent life. This new normal is me being thankful every day that Hunter was only 4 months old and will likely not have any fear-filled memories of his mama's cancer conquering days-even though I still weep over the days I missed holding him in my arms, bonding through feeding him my milk, and having to hear his giggles seep through the walls as I lay in bed struggling to overcome fatigue. This new normal is me, finally crossing over to "the other side" where I AM cancer free but have lost the ability to ever again surprise my husband with a pregnancy test. This new normal is me feeling my heart well up and overflow with the thought of the ability to once again bring home a baby for my family to surround with love, acceptance, awe, and a yearning to show God's love. Can you "hear" the celebration in my voice?
The seed really got planted when my sweet Mrs. Kathy (part of my Cancer Posse-diagnosed at the same time and our radiation appts were back to back so I was immensely blessed by her hugs and sweet notes each afternoon-she kept me going!) showed me a picture of her newest grandbaby, Sosi. If you don't fall in love with that sweet face, you need to get your heart checked out!!! I followed the Rusch Family's story as they experienced their "Gotcha Day" and brought beautiful Sosna Elle home-and every time (even AGAIN today) I watch the story unfold through their pictures, I end up bawling (poor Ben keeps thinking I forgot to change my hormone patch LOL). It has awoken something in my heart that I had long forgotten (or maybe just pushed aside for a bit til God knew it was His time to gently remind me). And God has worked through me to gently re-awaken the same in Ben (ok, so a bit of a slower process there but we gotta tread lightly with the old folks LOL). This is still very very very much a tiny work in process (though my heart is saying, "Hello, this is HUGE!!!") and only in the very beginning stages of even thinking of possibly considering, but I have a feeling it is something that will not leave my heart or mind or prayers for a very long time.
Please just pray that if this IS indeed God's will, that He will prepare our family (emotionally, spiritually, physically in health, financially, etc), that He will bring forth the child that he has already designed specifically for our family (and us for this child) and that He will pave the way to bring us together. I named this blog "Chiduben" or "guided by God" in the African language of Igbo. I just pray that this whole process will truly be guided by God.
Off for now to do my normal Danielle thing-research:)
Before I met Ben, MY plan was to have 3 boys (no thought ever really went into HOW these 3 children were going to come to be), stay single, live in an awesome cottage with TONS of land in the country with a short commute to a big city-yep, basically your everyday Angelina. Thankfully God had so much more amazing things in store for us! I met Ben and quickly threw away any single-mom-of-3-in-big-city notions out the window. (oh you are an awesome mighty God!)
Even in the beginning we randomly threw around the idea of adoption but both agreed we wanted to at least try to have children of our own. Again, God blessed us-in ways we didn't even realize at first. Isabella Grace was born in July 2006-we fell instantly in love and she has had us wrapped around her adorable (yet, at times, wiggly bossy) finger from the moment we laid eyes on the first of at least 10 positive pregnancy tests. Less than 2 years later, Ben was welcomed home by a little surprise:
Hunter Thomas was born December 2008 (thankfully NOT on his due date!!) and we became the May Quad. Flash forward 4 months, I hear the words, "It is cancer". Totally unexpected and unimaginably life changing. I was growing cancer at the same time I was growing our sweet baby boy. God is an all knowing God, and if Mr. Hunter is not proof of that, I'm not sure what is.
April 28, 2009 I had a radical hysterectomy, bilateral salpingo-oopherectomy and removal of 12 lymph nodes in the pelvic-abdominal region. In layman's terms, basically every internal female organ I once had was no more. I would never again grow a baby in my womb. At first, this thought did not phase me-I was in warrior mode just trying to literally live each day and defeat this disease. So what if I was missing a few parts... I was alive! After 28 treatments (every weekday for 6 weeks) of external radiation and a blood transfusion (aka my vampire treatment) and my first post-op, post-radiation CAT scan, I was declared cancer free!!! I never knew such sweet words!
Life sloooowly began to creep back to normal-or more like our "new normal". This new normal consists of us having to tenderly broach the subject of "Mama is going to the doctor" with Bella anytime my check-ups come around (every 3 months) because her precious heart cannot let go of that raw fear of that one time Mama "went to the doctor" and didn't come home for almost a week and how much it changed her sweet, innocent life. This new normal is me being thankful every day that Hunter was only 4 months old and will likely not have any fear-filled memories of his mama's cancer conquering days-even though I still weep over the days I missed holding him in my arms, bonding through feeding him my milk, and having to hear his giggles seep through the walls as I lay in bed struggling to overcome fatigue. This new normal is me, finally crossing over to "the other side" where I AM cancer free but have lost the ability to ever again surprise my husband with a pregnancy test. This new normal is me feeling my heart well up and overflow with the thought of the ability to once again bring home a baby for my family to surround with love, acceptance, awe, and a yearning to show God's love. Can you "hear" the celebration in my voice?
The seed really got planted when my sweet Mrs. Kathy (part of my Cancer Posse-diagnosed at the same time and our radiation appts were back to back so I was immensely blessed by her hugs and sweet notes each afternoon-she kept me going!) showed me a picture of her newest grandbaby, Sosi. If you don't fall in love with that sweet face, you need to get your heart checked out!!! I followed the Rusch Family's story as they experienced their "Gotcha Day" and brought beautiful Sosna Elle home-and every time (even AGAIN today) I watch the story unfold through their pictures, I end up bawling (poor Ben keeps thinking I forgot to change my hormone patch LOL). It has awoken something in my heart that I had long forgotten (or maybe just pushed aside for a bit til God knew it was His time to gently remind me). And God has worked through me to gently re-awaken the same in Ben (ok, so a bit of a slower process there but we gotta tread lightly with the old folks LOL). This is still very very very much a tiny work in process (though my heart is saying, "Hello, this is HUGE!!!") and only in the very beginning stages of even thinking of possibly considering, but I have a feeling it is something that will not leave my heart or mind or prayers for a very long time.
Please just pray that if this IS indeed God's will, that He will prepare our family (emotionally, spiritually, physically in health, financially, etc), that He will bring forth the child that he has already designed specifically for our family (and us for this child) and that He will pave the way to bring us together. I named this blog "Chiduben" or "guided by God" in the African language of Igbo. I just pray that this whole process will truly be guided by God.
Off for now to do my normal Danielle thing-research:)
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