Thursday, December 27, 2007


One of our family's Christmas traditions is getting a family picture with Santa! Yes, ALL of us pile up on Santa:) When Ben and I lived in Italy they even took a framed picture of us and put it in Santa's lap LOL This year we had quite the crowd!!!! Luckily Santa had a HUGE chair-seriously the biggest Santa chair I've ever seen.

Back Row (L to R): Ben, Dana (stepdad), Ken (Anthony's mister), Anthony (my LITTLE brother)
Front Row (L to R): Danielle sitting in Aunt Stacy's lap, Michael (cousin) kneeling, Bella sitting in Jessica's lap (cousin), Nana (D's mama) flashin her money!!!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas 2007!!!

We got to play with our new toy so we actually have some pictures of the holidays to share:)

Bella opening her first gift on Christmas morning

Love my sweet baby in her footies!!!

YES- the classic messy hair Christmas morning picture:)

Playing with Michael at GiGi's- totally loving the kitchen that Nana got her!

The Pickles!!!!!

bad picture in the sun but its Anthony and Ken:)

Waiting in line for pictures with Santa

Obviously not in order- putting the kitchen together on Christmas Eve!

Add it to the blackmail pile LOL Even has a cute lil red bow!!!

This is serious business!!!!

Opening gifts at Gramma's & Mema's

hehe playing with her microphone!

HILARIOUS-playing with Mama's purse and cell phone! Such a lil lady:)

Happy Holidays from the Pickles:)

Monday, December 17, 2007


We got a diagnosis today. "We need to do a stain so we can determine the stage." I literally screamed NOOOOOOOOO and hit the floor. I laid there and just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. We fully expected it to be cancer but I was holding on to that little whim of hope for a miracle-maybe it was just pancreatitis, maybe they could treat it, maybe they could just remove it. No. Its just cancer. JUST cancer.

She called after mom gave me the news and I heard her say, "Hello" and I lost it. I could barely breathe. That made her lose it and she finally got out, "Will you be ok if I call you back later?"

I won't be ok. I will NOT be ok in a world where my Nana does not exist. Where I can't call her just for the hell of it to tell her that Bella had a bad night. Where I can't call her to let her listen to Bella babble. Where I can't go over to her house and watch her heart smile when Bella runs to her with open arms. Where I know I'll never get a Nana back scratch ever again. Where neck snuggles no longer make everything ok.

They are doing stains this afternoon to determine what stage it is in. There are no treatment options. We will simply treat the pain. How do you wake up every morning and live knowing that you are waiting for someone to die? How do you wait for something like that? I keep telling myself, "No, we will just go about this with the mentality that she is ALIVE and she is not 'dying' until those last few breaths." I refuse to let her lay in bed and be depressed and die. I know she has to accept this in her own way, deal with it in her own way, on her terms-but as she keeps saying, "We gotta pull up our boot straps". And all I keep thinking is, "Will Bella remember her? Will my next baby even exist before she is gone?"

How do you have Christmas when you know the person that has been the central point of your world your entire life is dying right in front of you? Normal doesn't exist anymore.

How do you not beat the living tar out of her son who is too much of an ass to come see his mother and father on what may be their last Christmas?

Friday, December 14, 2007

Growing Up

k, gonna try to be better and start posting again, even if I don't have pretty pics to share LOL

Bella is growing up SOOOO fast!!! She is so smart-it is scary! She started out the day in full Pissy Pants mode, totally not wanting to cooperate and made us late getting to the sitter. She threw a HUGE hissy fit when I dropped her off at the sitter's. I said, "Baby, lets make a deal. You try to cry for only 30 minutes this time instead of an hour." It was only her 2nd day there so I figure 30 minutes is a good goal.

Went home in a super crappy mood (depressed and on edge to hear news about Nana, and dealing with the drama that goes along with it). Dreaded going to get Bella because I had to take her to get her flu shot. Went to get her and she was dancing around, giggling and happy as could be. Sommer said she only cried for a few minutes after I left-YAY!!!! Its just a transition and Bella had to learn that unlike her old babysitter, Sommer is NOT gonna hold her all day long and does NOT need to (thank Heavens Sommer totally agrees with this-she rocks!).

Took her to get her flu shot, she jumped a little, whimpered for about 5 seconds, then jumped off my lap and was running around giggling!! Definitely NOT my child where shots are concerned:) She was in an awesome mood for the rest of the day-we should go get flu shots more often!!! I think she is really having a good time at the new sitter's. She gets to play with kids her age and some a little older which she loves. I think its definitely more challenging than playing with only one other kid that is younger than her so I'm feeling like this was a good move. I think she'll be talking real words (English not Bellish) in no time because she is around talking kids all day. Ok so maybe it won't be words just yet-at least not today, she did NOT shut up the entire afternoon but they actually sound like letters and syllabels instead of just grunts:) My baby has moved up in the world from being a caveman:)

We are suppose to go to a cookie exchange party tomorrow but its already sleeting outside:( BOOOOO I was really looking forward to that.

Aighty time to go get under some warm covers and knock out some more of the new book I got at the library- "Playing for Pizza" by John Grisham:) FINALLY!!!!


2 days til we hopefully get GOOD news on Nana
3 days til I hopefully get to pick Nana and Papa up in Joplin
4 days til Bean and I get to pick up my LITTLE brother at the airport
1 week til Lil Pickle and familia arrive!!!!!

YAY I love spending the holidays with family:)

Thank you, Santa!!!

Santa (whomever you might be!):

Thank you for the awesome letter to Bella! That was a really neat idea and I'll definitely be putting it in her keepsake book:) TOO cute!!!