Thursday, February 28, 2008

Grief Support

Heya Boop! I went to my first Grief Support group meeting tonight and it was really great. NEVER imagined I'd refer to participating in that kind of group as "great" but I honestly left feeling a bit energized. Not exactly ready to conquer the world but finally felt a little inkling in my heart that it might just be ok. Its nice to be around people that I feel I really could just talk to endlessly about you and know that they wouldn't get sick of it-they just get it, ALL of it. Grief is so enormous and it isn't something that just goes away. I think its something that will be a part of me forever, and I'm slowly getting to a point where that is OK.

I still busy myself during the day with the tricked mindset that it will allow me to not have to think about it, but it never leaves me. I miss you every single minute of every day. I'm starting to get ahold of this "new normal". It was so hard going to your house to see Papa and KNOW I wasn't going to see you, but I'm getting there. Bella and I went this morning and it was a little better. I didn't look for you. I was able to look at your picture there by all the grandbabies and actually smile. I sat in your pink chair and didn't feel bad about it. I know you were watching when Bella blew Papa a kiss goodbye. Its hard, all these things that I know you would just cherish and eat up, and you aren't here. I have to remind myself that you ARE here, just not in the sense that I'm use to. I still tell Bella every night, "Sweet dreams with GiGi."

We are suppose to bring pictures to tell our story about the ones we have lost for next week's meeting so I'm off to dig thru this huge stack of Nana pictures that I was suppose to be scanning and mailing copies to everyone. Hey, I've made progress-took me a month but I finally got them all off the posterboard. So what if I had to do it while watching Tommy Boy-had to have something make me laugh or I wouldn't have made it through.

Love you
G'night Irene!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

1 Month

I still cannot believe 1 month ago today, and you were gone. I expected a month out I would actually be able to grasp the fact that you are gone, but it just hasn't happened yet. I still catch myself almost turning right at the end of our road to head to your house, or picking up the phone when Bella has a new trick so I can share it with you. Sometimes its hard to visit Papa because Bella still looks for you everywhere, and its hard calling him on the phone because I know you aren't there for him to pass the phone to. But I know you would want us to be there for him so I try not to be selfish and put aside my feelings.

Sometimes I think I'm dealing just fine, other times I wonder if I'm dealing at all. Mom and I are gonna go to a grief support group next week and check it out. Can't believe we are people that could benefit from something like that-only because you aren't suppose to be gone. Damnit I wasn't gonna cry. I love you too much, this hurts way too much and I miss you more than I ever thought possible. It still just isn'tright. ugh gona go cry

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Just Another Day with Bean

My new favorite face!!! I tell her to make her funny face and here it is:)

This is Bella's busy work while I clean house:) "Bella's cabinet"

This is a few seconds before she flashes her "I'm a sweet innocent angel" smile before she does something naughty (like dig in the trash!!!)

Friday, February 1, 2008

Snow Day

We got a few inches of snow on Thursday-our annual January snowstorm in the Ozarks:) I'll NEVER forget the awful one we had the day that Ben left for Basic Training. We had been married 2 days, he left that morning and it took me SIX hours to drive home from work (normally 45 minutes) because of the snow and ice. Stupid truckers were jack-knifed all over the place. I couldn't get up the main hill so I had to call some friends to get me in their truck. I made yellow snow that night-you would too if you had been stuck in a car for 6 hours LOL!!! ANYWAYS, some pics from this year's snow day:)

Bean isn't sure what to think of it LOL She loved watching it fall ALL DAY LONG out the front window. Gotta love the MC Hammer snow suit that GiGi bought her in Boston before she was even born:)

Love my snow people:)

Course she gets cranky and THEN he takes a picture of me with her LOL

I started getting all our snow stuff out so we could get bundled up. Bella grabbed Ben's beanie and gloves:)

I think I got it Mama!!! (yes, she is MY daughter, surrounded by penguins LOL)

Gotta concentrate here!

Threw in some Mardi Gras bling for the full effect:)

I love my Bean!!!!

Bella's picnic table COVERED- which she decided we HAD to clean off so she could sit on it, then proceeded to throw a girly fit because it was cold LOL
More backyard

just chillin with Daddy
Trying to steal the camera
Better run ya lil stink!!