Sunday, January 27, 2008

Picture Catch Up

I DL'd the pictures from this weekend and realized I had alot of pictures left on the camera so I'm doing a picture catch up:)

Bella having some art time with her new markers-they magically only draw on the special paper:)
Hot shottin:)
Being a silly goober with her markers-I LOVE that goofy cheese!

Her first haircut-MAYBE 5 snips but it was getting so long it was all over her eyes and she looked like a little boy that had been out playing in the wind LOL She did SOOOO good-didn't fuss at all, just sat there and let Miss Crystal play with her hair:)

Gotta love the look of concern-what is Mama doing now???

Her favorite toy-the kitchen her Nana got for Christmas. She decorated the front of the fridge with alphabet stickers like they are magnets. She LOVES to play with this thing:)

Giving SpongeBob a breathing treatment

Poor punkin had bronchitis and had to do breathing treatments. She did really awesome and we didn't even have to use the baby mask-she did it like a big girl!

hehe bribery!!!!

Weekend in Texas

We survived!!! And honestly it wasn't nearly as horrible as we had dreaded. I'll post more on Nana's blog but thought I'd share some pictures from this weekend.

My two favorite Pickles!!! Jessafern holding Bella Bean-they matched too:)

Psycho red eyes with her sweet angel

Some of Nana's closest and dearest (L to R): Mom & Dana, David & Carleen Stone (aka Aunt Mattie and Uncle David), Jessica and Bean cheesing in the back, Patty Setterberg (her husband Dan is my godfather) and Papa

My girls loving each other

Papa with the Lil Pickles

Monday, January 21, 2008


I keep going back and forth. If I sit down and actually give myself enough of a breather to think and let it sink in, I bawl my eyes out. I'm to the point where I'm EXHAUSTED from crying so I just don't wanna cry anymore sooooo I don't let myself have breathers. I just keep going and going and going and force myself to stay busy because if I even think about crying I might just lose it. Healthy huh? LOL I'm sick of missing her. It effin hurts like a mad dog. I've moved on from thinking she is in the hospital, now I'm convinced (not literally, no need to lock me up LOL) that we had one of our fights and she is just not calling for a few days, and then in a few days she'll leave a message "Just calling to see how Bella is doing. This is GiGi. I love you!! Call me when you have a minute." I nearly lose it everytime I come in the door and the answering machine is blinking. She left me a message almost every day. I want to be with Papa, he needs us but it hurts sooooo bad to be in that house. Last week I could barely make myself step outside of their house-only left to pick up Bella from school. This week I dread it. She is everywhere, but then I realize, she is everywhere no matter where I am. I embrace it, having her everywhere with me, thats how its always been, thats how it will always be because she is part of me. UGH this hurts, this sucks, this just is NOT right(as my mama keeps saying LOL). I cannot believe we are having a memorial service for MY nana!!! Not MY nana, it HAS to be someone else's. And everytime I see her obit-it has to be some sick dream. She cannot be gone. It is like a fog-this has to be someone else's life. OUR nana does NOT die. She always gets better, she always comes home. Hrmmm and here I thought it had hit me and I had let it sunk in. Every day is different. Every day yuo just have to get up and brush the dust off and make yourself get thru that first hour, then Bella wakes up and you get thru the morning for her. Its not until night comes.... nights suck. Do we make ourselves stay awake at night like we are waiting for her, like she is just going to show up? I keep getting flashes of seeing her those last days, especially Monday with the dry gunk in her mouth, her breathing, her blue fingers and nose, the way she said "I love you" and the way she was when I got there that night-no pain, no moaning, but no breathing. UGH I HATE THIS!!!!!!! I want my Nana back damnit and I want her back NOW!!! This isn't funny the stupid game just needs to be over and she needs to be in the kitchen. I think I'm gonna cry tonight. I didn't cry last night and I convinced myself I was proud-what a joke. It hurt even more. I just want to hold her and make it all ok. God it hurts.

Ave Maria in English

Hail Mary,
full of grace,
the Lord is with thee;
blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.

World without Nana

I wrote this one night last week, it will be framed and next to the Guest Book at Nana's service:

Since the day I was born, I've only ever known a world where my Nana existed.
A world where she took the greatest joy in her family,
where she loved Papa with a passionate heart that we should all strive for,
where you could see her never ending smiles shine through her eyes while she held her babies.
A world where she would hold her head high while she never waivered in graciously putting ANYONE in their place,
where she filled a room with her genuine laugh and never faultering hospitality,
where she was the glue, the rock that everyone leaned on,
where her inspiring words encouraged us to the greatest dreams and lifted us up over the bumps.
A world where her strength and courage was ingrained in everything she did and her generous spirit never stopped giving.

On January 14th we were forced into a different world,
one where her beautiful face, those loving eyes will now be forever etched into our hearts.
A world where we cannot quite grasp the notion that a woman who was so ALIVE,
who was every where in every thing we did,
could possibly be gone.
To even begin to imagine I'd never feel that little hand slip into mine as we walked,
we'd never see her flour-covered face sweating over the oven,
or hear her hollar "Edwaaaard!!"
How long will it be until we no longer expect her to come around the corner or to hear her voice on the other end of the phone?

Now she is in a forever place-our hearts-
where she is protected from pain,
where she will never have another hurt,
where she can bake in the grandest of kitchens,
where Pavorati serenades her with Ave Maria,
where her stitchin' gals sip coffee,
where her baby runs into the room for one more kiss,
where she goes for walks on the beach with Papa every day.

She is our forever Nana.
We were so lucky to have her in this life,
and even luckier to have her in our hearts forever.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Sorry if this post is totally out of order and rambling.Nana Boop passed away last night around 8:15. She had been so sick for so long. She had a Whipple Operation in 2000 and things were never really the same since that. She had a really bad fall this summer-ended up under the deck fighting the mosquitos, and things just kind of went downhill from there. She had chronic pancreatitis which caused her so much pain and suffering over the past year. She was in and out of the hospital for dehydration and pain.I truly think she knew the end was near in December. Her GI wanted her to get an ERCP performed to determine what type of damage had been done by the Whipple and to just confirm the whole anatomy of her digestive system. She insisted on having it performed in Boston. I think she needed one last trip to Boston to see her family, to visit the beach. When she returned home it went downhill continuously. She was able to spend Christmas with her family tho alot of the time she was in bed but she did get in alot of smiles and laughter. She did alot to make sure we were taken care of-bought my grpa a new computer and made Anthony go get measured for a suit. She insisted we go thru the house and mark the things we wanted-we refused.Over the last month she constantly mentioned death and that she was just tired, so tired of fighting the pain and knew that she would never take a painfree breath. She wasn't eating and took only a few sips of 7Up each day. We fought it-refused to believe that she was actually dying and instead tried to get her admitted to a geriatric psych unit. Thank Heavens God knew the plan. A blessing came when they did not have a bed available at the unit and Nana would have to wait another day. That night she woke Papa up screaming in pain, a pain that was different from before. He took her to the ER and she was admitted. We honestly thought she was going to beat it again-she always came out of it after getting fluids and pain meds. We had planned on having her transferred to a skilled nursing facility so they could physically build her back up and then she could come home.The doctors were gently trying to advise us that she really might not overcome it this time. We held out hope but as the days wore on we realized how much she was suffering and we just wanted her to be peaceful. Sunday we took Bella up there after church-it was the only time of the entire hospital stay that Nana was truly alert, cognizant and alive. Soon as mom told her that Bella was there, she sat straight up, her whole face was alive, her heart smiling thru her eyes and she said, "OOHHH MY BELLLLLLAAAA!!!" Bella sat on the bed with her and Nana just smiled and looked at her. My aunt and uncle came up on Sunday and we were all able to be with her. On Monday us girls spent all day with her and it was so nice to have that time with her, especially when she was able to communicate with us. We made sure to call all the important people that couldn't be there. We put the phone up to Nana's ear and let them talk to her. With each person she would open her eyes real wide-the only real responses we got all day. And she would whisper "I love you" to each of them. Her breathing was extremely labored and she was in and out all day long. We finally made the decision as family based on Nana's wishes to have the oxygen and nutrients removed and treat for comfort only. At first they gave her meds every 3 hours and we pushed for 2 hours and she was finally able to not be so restless. Mom left to try to take a nap at home and I had gone into the lobby for a bit of a break when the nurse ran to get me. Nana was trying to sit straight up in bed and was VERY alert. She joked with us and laughed and smiled, gave us a few glares like only Nana can and gave me a sweet kiss. She was telling us goodbye and that she was ok. She was waiting for Papa to come back. We all went out to eat while Papa and my uncle got to spend time with Nana. They said she was taking fewer and fewer breaths. Papa was praying that she would pass quickly so that they wouldn't have to transport her to the Hospice House in the morning. They said she took a breath and then didn't take another so they started bawling and then she took another breath and they cracked up laughing. She finally took her last breath around 8:15pm, a few minutes before my mom and aunt got back to the hospital. I was able to lay in bed and hold her for a bit afterwards but kind of lost it once I really grasped that she wasn't breathing. I bawled in the lobby but then a sudden peace came over me when Nana told me "Oh sweetie, its ok, its ok, I'm alright now." The Chaplain gave a beautiful prayer, Papa grabbed Nana's things and said, "Lets get out of here." We spent all evening crying, laughing, and telling jokes about our Nana memories. I hate that she suffered so much those last few days-the dying process is incredibly exhausting, but I'm so so so so thankful that she will never ever again have another headache, backache, stomach ache, or curl up in a ball and shake from the pain.I have soooo many beautiful, silly, wonderful Nana memories that I'll blog about later. It hasn't sunk in. We made all the arrangements today and I kept seeing her name on the paperwork and kept thinking, "Why is HER name on there?!?!" I'm ok knowing that she will never again hurt but then it just feels like she'll be home from the hospital in a few days and everything will be ok. We got to see her again today-she looked so good, like she was just taking a snooze and would be back in the kitchen any minute baking her famous pies. She looked like she wasn't in pain anymore-last night she looked like she had fought, today she was peaceful. I lost it when Papa held her face and said, "Goodbye Sweetheart". They were married for 51 years!!!! That is a lifetime. He loved that woman with an intensity that I've never seen anywhere else. They were beautiful. k gonna cry dangit!!!

Online Obit and Guest Book

Memorial Service Information

We are planning a Memorial Service for Saturday, January 26th at 2pm to take place at St. Stephen's Episcopal Church (401 S. Crockett, Sherman TX 75090) with a reception to follow. Nana wished to be cremated and Papa plans to spread her ashes on the Revere Beach (Boston, MA) at the exact spot where they first met. We will all be at Papa's house (15 Basore Drive, Bella Vista AR 72715) for the rest of the week and then we'll travel to Sherman to prepare for the service. Nana requested donations be made in her name to the American Heart Association instead of flowers. We will have her favorite stargazer lilies at the service.

Nana's Bella Bean