Ugh

I keep going back and forth. If I sit down and actually give myself enough of a breather to think and let it sink in, I bawl my eyes out. I'm to the point where I'm EXHAUSTED from crying so I just don't wanna cry anymore sooooo I don't let myself have breathers. I just keep going and going and going and force myself to stay busy because if I even think about crying I might just lose it. Healthy huh? LOL I'm sick of missing her. It effin hurts like a mad dog. I've moved on from thinking she is in the hospital, now I'm convinced (not literally, no need to lock me up LOL) that we had one of our fights and she is just not calling for a few days, and then in a few days she'll leave a message "Just calling to see how Bella is doing. This is GiGi. I love you!! Call me when you have a minute." I nearly lose it everytime I come in the door and the answering machine is blinking. She left me a message almost every day. I want to be with Papa, he needs us but it hurts sooooo bad to be in that house. Last week I could barely make myself step outside of their house-only left to pick up Bella from school. This week I dread it. She is everywhere, but then I realize, she is everywhere no matter where I am. I embrace it, having her everywhere with me, thats how its always been, thats how it will always be because she is part of me. UGH this hurts, this sucks, this just is NOT right(as my mama keeps saying LOL). I cannot believe we are having a memorial service for MY nana!!! Not MY nana, it HAS to be someone else's. And everytime I see her obit-it has to be some sick dream. She cannot be gone. It is like a fog-this has to be someone else's life. OUR nana does NOT die. She always gets better, she always comes home. Hrmmm and here I thought it had hit me and I had let it sunk in. Every day is different. Every day yuo just have to get up and brush the dust off and make yourself get thru that first hour, then Bella wakes up and you get thru the morning for her. Its not until night comes.... nights suck. Do we make ourselves stay awake at night like we are waiting for her, like she is just going to show up? I keep getting flashes of seeing her those last days, especially Monday with the dry gunk in her mouth, her breathing, her blue fingers and nose, the way she said "I love you" and the way she was when I got there that night-no pain, no moaning, but no breathing. UGH I HATE THIS!!!!!!! I want my Nana back damnit and I want her back NOW!!! This isn't funny the stupid game just needs to be over and she needs to be in the kitchen. I think I'm gonna cry tonight. I didn't cry last night and I convinced myself I was proud-what a joke. It hurt even more. I just want to hold her and make it all ok. God it hurts.