Monday, August 29, 2011
That is what I've decided to name these new emotions that I know God is using to condition my heart because these are a drop in the bucket of what I'll experience, and what I'll watch others experience, as we move through our adoption.
It is a selfish grief. It is grief for the children my body can no longer carry itself. Grief over knowing I'll never again feel a baby grow and move about in their tiny world within my body. Grief for the children that my body will never feed from itself.
It is a longing grief. God has placed it on my heart that in all likelihood, if things go as He seems to be revealing His plan to be, one of our children is likely already born or very soon to be born. And a day doesn't pass by that I do not physically long to hold that child in my arms. To kiss their sweet head. To know their smell. To rub their soft hands and kiss their tiny toes. To wrap them up and have skin to skin contact so we can bond and feel safe with each other. To pour Christ's love into every pore of their being. To jump at the chance to meet every single one of their needs and never let them doubt or wonder for a second if it is going to be met. (I'm not saying I'm the only one that can meet those needs-trust me, been there and learned that one the hard way with Bean. But I have learned that is the foundation of many adoptees' attachment challenges. But we also do not know our children's stories yet. They may be in foster care with an incredible family that loves them, cares for them, meets every single need and adore every moment they have with them. And there will be grief with that.) It is a grief of knowing that a child designed uniquely by God to be part of our family (us for them and them for us) is out there but not physically part of our family. I equate it to what it must feel like if one of your children is kidnapped and missing. You KNOW with that crazy, God-instilled Mama Bear Instinct that they are out there and you NEED with every fiber of your being to find them and hold them-for both of you. Selfish? Smoothering love? Maybe. But for some reason, it is how God made me. And so far (*knock on wood*) it hasn't damaged my kiddos too much.
It is an overwhelming grief for the grief that I know our children and their natural families will endure-not just at the moment of birth or the moment of loss of one another, but for the rest of their lives. Whether it is open or closed, there will be grief. Grief over lost dreams. Grief over not only their child and living life with their child, but a loss of who they were before their child's existence and before adoption. Grief over the way God created things to be and how that doesn't always line up with our expectations, no matter the reasons or situation. Grief over how society will forever view the natural family and how that will clog their healing.
Society consistently denies the natural family their right to grieve. Studies have shown that a natural mother's grief actually does the exact opposite of what is expected with grief involved with death: death grief generally decreases as time goes by, while natural mothers report that their anger and sense of loss actually increase over time (Dr. Condon's study of mothers in South Australia and Winkler and van Keppel's study of mothers). The loss of a child through adoption is one which usually is not openly acknowledged, and the mothers suffer alone in silence and are not "given permission" to grieve.
In many cases, the family that brought this child into the world is not recognized by the community. They will experience an emotional roller coaster that will span their entire lifetime. A roller coaster that I have never ridden and likely will never ride. A roller coaster that I can only read about in adoption books or nautral mother blogs. A roller coaster I can only imagine if I think of losing my own children, and even then, it doesn't touch it. And grief is only a chunk of that roller coaster.
It is an agonizing grief over the small glimpses of what I fathom grief will look like for the 2Bs. Grief over losses that include natural parents, extended family, foster family, home, pets, neighborhoods, schools, friends, treasured belongings, and in some cases culture. This article opened my eyes BIG time. And that is only a tiny speck of the tip of the iceberg of the 2Bs' grief.
That is as much as God will let me process at this point. I know adoption is not beautiful. It is not natural. It is messy and at times horrific torture for the triad, and the triad's traids, and their triads. I know the grief is only part of the process, and that the healing is lifelong. I know it will become a LARGE LARGE LARGE ginormous part of our every living breath. But I also know my God. And I know He heals and He loves, and He calls us to love all of our children. So for now I am trying to let it all soak in-the many griefs for the many people involved, and I try to somehow hand it over to Him and ask Him for the strength to begin to process it all so that when it is our every living breath, maybe just maybe, it will be a tiny nano-grain bit easier to hand it over every.single.second.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
While I was at the conference, I got this overwhelming desire to pray for the "to-be's" (or also "2Bs" since God has simultaneously laid it upon our hearts that He doesn't want us to stop at just one). This whole adoption journey has been a very selfish one on my part. Until now. Before I wanted to save the world through adoption. I wanted to bring babies into my home and love them and teach them about Jesus. I wanted them to know the love of a family. I selfishly wanted to hold another baby in my arms. I even went as far as yearning for midnight feedings, 3am rocking chair parties, and baby food graffiti. Then I learned that saving the baby isn't saving the world-it is just enabling it (while saving the baby and bringing them into our crazy home, and then the reality of the emotional turmoil that comes in the beautiful little package of an adopted baby hits).
God hit my heart hard on Saturday. He shook me until I awoke to the realization that if the path He seems to be laying out for us is to adopt a toddler sometime after Hunter is in kindergarten, that child is likely being conceived or born. NOW. Which means a birth mother is living in fear, anxiety, desperation, confusion, despair, and possibly not too in love with God at the moment. It means a birth family is on the brink of extinction. It means one of the 2Bs is not being nurtured in my womb but in my heart. It means right at this moment one of my 2Bs might be experiencing abuse, neglect, abandonment, or just in a horrible situation where they are not receiving unconditional love and not knowing what it feels like to be safe and know their needs are going to be met.
I'm not saying I'm a savior or that I'm a perfect mom or that I will do everything perfect for my 2Bs. It is a little more like this:
During the first week of October, I suffered inexplicable sadness for our Ethiopian kids, yet unknown to us. I couldn’t quit crying. I couldn’t stop worrying. I felt heavy and dark without knowing why. With tears burning at the slightest provocation, I threw my emotions into the Facebook ring for some backup. From adopting friends, a common thread rose up:
“God is prompting you to pray for your children for some reason. You don’t know them yet, but he knows they are yours. Intercede for them this week, then write these dates down. Once you receive your referral, check their paperwork and you might discover divine timing.”
So Brandon and I prayed desperately for our kids. Were they losing a parent? Were they suffering? Were they tender and lonely? Were they especially hopeless? Their need was unknown, but the ache was acute. So I cried the tears I just knew they were crying, and I begged Jesus to be so near, so gentle in their young, tragic lives while they waited for us, wishing a family wanted them but too afraid to hope.God is leading me to pray for the 2Bs and I can't question that. I can't look at myself as the crazy lady praying and bawling her eyes out over kids who might possibly exist or may not have even been conceived yet, kids that I have no idea who they are, what their story is, or how they will become mine. But God tells me they will. And I trust that. And I trust his urging to pray for them, their families, and their birth mothers. And so, in a few years, when they are in my arms, I might look back and realize that Aug. 20th was a big day in their story. Maybe it is the day they were born. The day they were first abandoned. The last time their birth mother held them in her arms. I don't know. But I know God is telling me to pray, and while it breaks my heart and causes me all kinds of irrational anxiety and Mama Bear worry, my 2Bs are already my babies-in my heart and in my prayers, and I'm tucking them in tight and never letting go.
Monday, August 15, 2011
|She was SUPER excited this morning and very proud of her Hello Kitty outfit that she picked out:)|
|The Little Brother was pretty excited for Sissy:)|
|Making cookies earlier this summer. He LOVES to have us turn on the oven light and "watch" things cook.|
|I was taking pics of him coloring and he made me re-take them so he could pose:)|
|Proud of his new Spidey sneakers, Spidey umbrella, Silly Bands, and his big boy hat that he wore on Hat Day at daycare:)|
Friday, August 5, 2011
|Yep, she looks just a little bit like her mama LOL:)|
|Watch out-muscle boy coming through!!!|
|Being a stinker even while serving as His hands and feet:)|
|This has been our absolute favorite place this summer-the Splash Park in Downtown Bentonville. Seriously THE greatest invention E-V-E-R!!!!|
|Waiting for the water to erupt|
|The 2nd best part (best part is the total fun and hearing their happy squeals)... super duper awesome naps!!!|
|ahhh the anticipation|
|Bean being Bean:)|
|Part of the mermaid/under the sea theme... I wanted to do something super cute with the cupcake toppers (thinking this... Mermaid Party Pack) but without spending a fortune. I found these awesome foam sea characters at Target, stuck them back to back and shoved a toothpick in them:) I had to design the mermaid myself... totally traced it:)|
|Definitely the hit present- a big wheels from Uncle Aaron and Aunt Ronda. She drove that thing ALLLLLL over the Splash Park LOL|
|Hunter had to have his turn too, of course:)|
|Goofy best buddies playing with Daddy's Halloween redneck wig:)|
So if you are really super duper bored, you can scroll through the past 4+ years of posts and see Bella's birth and first years, Hunter's pregnancy, birth and first years, my cancer, and our LIFE:)
I'm going to *attempt* to be better and more consistent with posting. We'll see how that works!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I cannot believe Bella turns FIVE next week!! How insane is that?!?! I will be a good mom and post TONS of pictures:) She is so excited about starting kindergarten in the fall. She is definitely my girl-LOVES to read, has a wild imagination, and is such a little sponge. I'm amazed every day at her HUGE, beautiful heart that is on fire for the Lord and how amazingly gorgeous she is inside and out. She is constantly full of energy and keeping me on my toes trying to find fun, creative ways for her to channel it (instead of going into spastic, wild Indian mode LOL). She loves to explore and tell stories (somehow they always end up incorporating baby Jesus, Jesus dying on the cross, and Queen Esther). And my girl LOVES to sing!!! She is a talented little songwriter without even knowing it-always coming up with her own special little melodies that Hunter loves to hum along with.
Hunter is ALLLLLLL boy and I love every moment of it!!! I call him my rough and tumbly rollie pollie:) He loves to cuddle with his Mama and play with my hair (and, of course, as a good mama I never deny him LOL). He has really become a chatter box the past few months. It is so fun to see what he will say next. He LOVES dogs (just to look, isn't too fond of being up close and personal with them yet), balls, cars, and all things boy-except getting his hands dirty. The kiddo cannot stand to have messy fingers. The rest of him can be caked in mud, crusty pizza sauce, and grass stains, but will high tail it to the box of wipes the minute his hands get dirty. He has a gentle soul that loves giving his sister an apology hug and kiss when he gets too rough, and adores the ground she walks on. He loves to sit and have her tell him stories (which she just eats up).
Future kiddos are still very much a part of our hearts and our plans. God has been providing in awesome ways so we can eliminate our debt and start building up our savings (and sloooooowly revamping the house to either accomodate a bigger family or sell in the far off future). I'm amazed at how God has worked on our hearts to open the door for the child(ren) he has created us for. It is so incredibly refreshing to all be on the same page and be fired up!!! Bella is insistent that she have a baby sister... or a big brother and a big sister... or a baby sister and a baby brother. Glad she can be flexible:) God is definitely molding us all for what He has in store-we've become totally open to older, younger, infant, toddler, preschooler, boy, girl, siblings... it is going to be beautiful to sit back and see what he does with our family:)
We are doing AWESOME!!! I never knew a couple could go from where we were at when we first met to where we were 5 years ago, 5 months ago, 5 weeks ago, to today. WOW!!! God is truly amazing! We are still definitely striving for "progress not perfection" but it is verrrrrry nice to not only now be in the same book but most of the time on the same paragraph and sometimes even the same sentence:) God has healed so much and has remotivated us to stay focused on being a team and staying strong against the enemy.
Ben got a promotion!!! He is with the same company but doing regulatory compliance. It is a more in-depth version of the research that he was doing before in his previous job so he is totally rocking!! He seems to really like the team he is with and his new boss. And he is working at the Bentonville lab so he is closer to both the kiddos during the day and doesn't have to drive as far. Super duper proud of my awesome guy!!
I'm still at Freeman in Joplin. We are the hospital that didn't get hit by the tornado but our office is a tiny block away from some of the hardest hit areas. It has been a life changing month and something that I am thankful to God that I have been able to be a part of. Our office was closed the week after the tornado because we had no power so I was able to come up a few days through the week and volunteer with recovery efforts. I met some of the most amazing, humble people and am still praising God for letting me be His hands and feet. I have never seen such devastation in my life. Pictures from Baghdad bombings pale in comparison. There is still tons of work to be done but it is encouraging to see progress being made little by little. The people of Joplin are amazingly strong and they love their city. It has been beautiful to watch them come together and to be supported all around the world. Hearing the stories of those first days in the ER have made me incredibly proud to be a part of the Freeman team.
Obviously we are not currently pursuing mission opportunities at FamilyLife as we had discussed in a previous post. We did go ahead with the interview but early on felt convicted that while God definitely had put a fire in our hearts to serve others, especially those going through marital crises, right now was not His timing. We were a little disappointed at first and almost decided to not even go through with the interview but I think God was preparing us for the feedback we received from FamilyLife which was "wait." So we weren't disappointed when they said that but almost kind of relieved because if they had said, "Yes. Now." we probably would have felt a bit leary because we knew it was not God's time. In that moment we did not WANT to wait but we also knew that God thoughtfully created us with a specific purpose in mind. And, His timing is perfect. And He is moving everything into its proper place so we can live out that purpose. We both definitely still feel a daily yearning to be in THAT place where God designed us to be. We want to be serving NOW. He is showing us that we can bloom where we are planted-right here, right now, even in the mundane daily "stuff" of living life and loving Him. We can bring him glory and serve by simply being and showing God's love in our family. I love learning life's lessons on God's terms-always soooo much more beautiful and forever when it comes from Him.
So that is where we are at. I have a million other things I want to update on and to share what God has been showing us but I've gotta run! More later:) I promise!
Oh, and PS-in case you didn't notice, I DID combine every single blog into one big fat one. At least the blogs I could remember and locate LOL
Friday, May 6, 2011
So the "short" version in an email I sent out to my closest prayer warriors:
Ben and I attended our first "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference last weekend. It was honestly a total "God thing" that we were there. Less than 2 months before we were at a point in our marriage where we saw absolutely no chance for a future. We were broken and hopeless. We felt like there was nothing left worth fighting for. Someone prayed for a miracle and I laughed in their face.
Thankfully God answers prayers, especially ones for miracles, because that is EXACTLY what we needed and EXACTLY what we got. Through God's sweet grace and beautiful plans, we turned our hearts back towards one another and put Him on the throne in the center of our marriage. Through TONS of prayers, tears, God's healing power, Celebrate Recovery, and counseling, we are in an amazingly beautiful place. A place where miracles happen. A place where we eagerly count down the days until "Weekend to Remember". A place where we have truly felt a calling to not only place God in the center of our marriage, but in every single aspect of our lives. This includes our work. We have both felt an overwhelming push from the Holy Spirit to have some part in a ministry-based job setting. We had absolutely no clue what that looked like. We wrestled with various daydreaming-marriage counselors, youth pastor, chaplaincy, international missionaries... and then we surrendered it to God and trusted that He would open the doors and gently guide us.
At the same time, we prayed unceasingly for God to provide a way for me to leave my former workplace (a very volatile environment that was extremely unhealthy for me and for our marriage) and still be able to help provide for our family. God provided. I am now in my 2nd week as the grant writer for Freeman Health Systems in Joplin, MO. I actually spend less time in the car every morning driving to work because there is VERY little traffic heading the opposite direction LOL:) We are now seeing that Joplin may only be a temporary detour on God's awesome path for our lives.
If you've ever been to a Weekend to Remember event, you know that on Sunday morning they make a presentation regarding opportunities to work with FamilyLife. Attendance is optional for conferees but as soon as we both read the description of the session, we circled it in on our weekend schedules. We walked away from that session ready to pack our family up and move to Little Rock faster than pronto. FamilyLife is headquartered in Little Rock and has many exciting ministry opportunities that center around the main goal of strengthening our marriages and families.
We filled out the "We are interested" card and any moment we weren't spending daydreaming of what this may look like for our family, we've been praying. A LOT. And surrendering our own wants, desires, and daydreams. A LOT. We both started getting a little discouraged around Wednesday/Thursday, especially about the whole "FamilyLife missionary staff raise their own salaries" tid bit. Then Billy called. Billy is one of the New Staff Representatives. We are scheduled for our phone interview on Monday evening at 7:30pm. As in 80 hours away. (nope, not counting!!!) We are just a little excited. ok. A LOT.
If you've read this far-THANK YOU!!!! Now we need you to pray. Pray that we would continue to put our daydreams aside and not try to orchestrate God's plans for our family. Pray that we can put aside our need to convince Billy that we are PERFECT for FamilyLife. Pray for clarity, wisdom, discernment, and the ability to just be still and listen (to Billy and God). Pray for continued encouragement for us as we still face a great amount of debt from when I was sick and we know that will play a huge role in this process. We are prepared for FamilyLife to say "wait" and ask us to revisit the opportunity once we have reduced the amount of debt. In that regard, please pray for continued resolve to squash all of our debt, to not look for quick fixes, and to know if this is God's plan for our family, it will all happen in His time and according to His will.
We have not announced ANY of this to our families yet. We are praying God will use the Holy Spirit to prod us when the time is right to broach the subject, likely after we have our first interview on Monday. If the interview goes well, they will send us a 20+ page application to each complete individually. Once our application has been reviewed and our references don't say "RUN!!!!!", the next step is the Ministry Preview weekend in Little Rock where we would meet some of the FamilyLife staff, learn more about the ministry, more of what is required of us, and more interviews. If they haven't begged us to hit the road by that point, we would go to a 10 day fundraising training in Orlando and then start raising our initial funds. It is typically an 18-24 month process. Ours will likely be longer because of the debt factor. Again, we have not discussed any of this with our families so those of you that know any of our family members, we kindly request that you hold off on mentioning it to them... run it by God all you want:)
We are incredibly appreciative of your prayers and any words of wisdom!! We are so excited to see where God is leading our family!!
God Bless and Love
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
I've decided God must set a daily quota of laughing a deep belly gut laugh while watching me at least once a day. I seriously had all intentions of getting on here and writing all about my new favorite song. God's plans are SOOOOO much more awesome than anything I could ever dream of coming up with. BUT I'm stubborn.... so I'll compromise. Favorite song post and then the God prompted goodies:)
I've been hearing this song at least a few mornings a week on KLRC. At first I just loved the fact that it was a new, fresh song intertwined with an old favorite. Then I fell in love with the beat which meant me LOUDLY singing out of tune (and Bella begging me to stop and put on her "girl music" aka Amanda Lacewell or Kari Jobe CDs). Then the God moment that led me to want to hear this song every single morning on the way into work so I could have it run through my head all.day.long.
Sunday morning I was in the shower-my daily place for quiet time (yes, I know... but it is the one consistent place that I go every day that is MINE and no one can interrupt. Fortunately, God doesn't mind)... and God gently creeps into my heart and convicts me of the masks, the double life, the fakeness, and complete false images I glide between as I go through every day.
We all have our different titles that we wear- wife, mom, writer, cancer survivor, goofball, serious mama bear, Christian, advocate... but no matter what hat we are wearing at any given moment, we should never let what matters most change even in the slightest in our hearts. Our lights should never dim, no matter what room we are in, no matter who is there with us, no matter what subject is at hand, NO.MATTER.WHAT. Our light is not a flashlight. It isn't one that can be switched on and off at a whim's notice. Yes, some days our lights are going to be a tiny flicker. But that should not drive us away from the desire to seek that fire burning inside of us with the hope that God is with us no matter how big or tiny our flame is and if you are willing to take that giant scary leap, He has an awesome bonfire waiting for you.
Nifty analogy but I totally digressed from where I meant to go. I've decided to listen to this song every morning before I go to work so I can just let God resonate in my heart and remind me that if I truly love Him, if I truly trust Him, and if I truly want to share His love... I gotta let my light shine and not turn on the dimmer when certain people are around.
Addison Road did a MUCH better job of putting it into words and application in their bible study inspired by this amazing song.
Stole this from someone's signature:
Don't bring God to work, make Him the cornerstone of your work
Sunday, February 6, 2011
When my in-laws divorced after 32 years of marriage my mother-in-law decided to pass on a few possessions to her sons that were serving more as painful memories for what she had lost. One such "gift" was a "Virtuous Woman" cross-stitch. Great, another ugly country-style 80's cross-stitch to collect dust in the hallway closet.
A few years later, we were pregnant with our son and needed to do a little bedroom rearranging. We decided Hunter would take over the nursery. We would transform our bedroom into a little girl's fairyland and transform the "computer/movie/game room" into our bedroom. We had an area on one of the walls in our "new" room that needed a little something. Ben did the unthinkable. He hung the Virtuous Woman cross-stitch. In. Our. Bedroom. Yep, he went there.
At first I glared at it, rolled my eyes, and let out a little huff every time I saw it. Which was EVERY day. I was NOT going to be Suzy Homemaker. It was bad enough that I had become this domesticated wifey mama person. But a virtuous woman?!?!
I am stubborn. I take pride in learning lessons the hard way. Sometimes this means s-l-o-o-o-o-w-l-y getting to the point where God wants me. And almost always throwing my arms up and laughing, "Why don't I just listen to you the first go around?!?!" At least I keep Him entertained.
I sucked at the wife thing. I sucked at the mom thing. I sucked at the mom with cancer thing. I sucked at the work at home mom thing. I suck/ed at the working mom thing. I am thankful for second chances. My many second chances could fill a blog all on their own. I'll get to those later. (Note to self: Don't forget to write about the morning shower conviction and second chances)
I'm realizing after living up to the "fish wife" stereotype that my mom dubbed me before I even married Ben, that it really isn't all it is cracked up to be. It means being cranky, bossy, loud, short, and not all that fun to be around. And now I see it in my sweet (S-A-S-S-Y) four year old little lady. NOT a pretty sight, and forces me to pray for the courageous soul that will one day be blessed to be her husband.
I was looking on Amazon at my wish list and even plopping a few into the shopping cart. It was a list of books on Christian parenting, being a praying wife, adoption, radical disciple, and even one with an obvious bit of magic-guiltless motherhood. At that moment the Holy Spirit lifted my eyes to that ugly cross-stitch. "I already gave you the wish list." I emptied the shopping cart and opened my Bible and decided to devote 1 week to each verse in an attempt to be more like the Proverbs 31 woman.
10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
And some commentary:
Rewind to the 80s/90s (YES, I'm O-L-D). A little white girl growing up in the country sticks of north central Texas. A seed is planted. I tell my friends, "I'm going to adopt a little black baby." They looked at me like I was nuts. I had fallen in love with these beautiful creatures. Kind of weird considering I went to school where my graduating class of 54 students had ZERO black kids. It wasn't just that they were different. I didn't know God then but looking back I knew God had placed something in my heart that showed me their beauty and told me I was made to love one (or many) as mine.
Fast forward to 2005. Ben and I are living in Italy via the US Air Force. We have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year. We are packing up and heading back home to NW Arkansas. We're pregnant! Isabella Grace is born July 2006. I don't notice that she is tiny. All I see is that she is mine and she is perfect. Looking back on the pictures of her as a newborn, I wonder what the nurses were thinking as they let such a tiny being come home with me.
It's January 2008. Bella is 18 months old. I'm sitting in a hospital room, laughing and reading books with my mom and my aunt as we wait. The day before Ben brought Bella up to the hospital. It was the last time my Nana coherently spoke. She sat straight up in bed and said, "Oh my Bella!" The next day, a Monday, was the last time she woke up. She wanted to call EVERYONE and tell them how much she loved them and that she was ok. That night my Nana went to Heaven. She told me to have babies. Her favorite holiday was Christmas. For her, the entire month of December was Christmas. I think she baked every.single.day of every December.
The next week I went to my first ever women's bible study at Fellowship. God placed amazing women in my life that day. They showed me what a Christian woman, wife, mother, follower, life was all about. I wanted it and I'll never forget the moment Christ came charging into my heart. I'd never again be the same.
Three months later, I'm pregnant. I'm having a boy and he is due on Christmas Day. I try to imagine what it must have been like-a teenage girl in a cold manger knowing the Son of God was to be born from her body-beautiful. There was bleeding through my entire pregnancy and too many scares and lots of bedrest. Hunter Thomas was born December 12... 13 days early, exactly like his big sister. Nana (now known as Bella & Hunter's GiGi) would have loved kissing that chubby neck.
Fast forward four months. The bleeding has not stopped. On a Friday, I hear the dreaded words, "It's not good. It's cancer." I cry out in fear. I fear for my family, my babies. And He lifts me up. He holds my hand and does not let go. The cancer had started to grow and every female organ in my body was removed (gory details). I immediately went into post-op menopause. I feel for women who have to endure that for years stretched into years. The cancer cells were zapped every day for 6 weeks. At the time I was in warrior mode. I fought to survive and beat this for my family. I did not let myself think that I might die or that I would never again bear children. Surviving was my focus.
Fast forward to a year ago. I'll go take a potty break while you read and catch up.
Fast forward to today. God has been doing A LOT of work in the hearts of many. He has opened my eyes to see there is still TONS of work to be done. I'm thankful for the peace He has given me, the clarity, and the knowing patience. And for the people He has brought into my life.
I'm here. I'm watching and waiting in the silence. There are days when I see His light shining on our family, preparing us for the child He will make for us and us for. There are days when I think He is crazy-us?!?! really?!?! There are days I want to sell everything, pack a few things, and move us to Africa. I want to be His hands and feet... here?... there?
I don't know what His plans are and I have no clue what He has in store for my family. I pray that He continues to give me wisdom, discernment, clarity, and the courage to pray for my husband and his heart and my family as it is today and what it may be in the future. He has planted seeds that pull at my heart strings. Seeds of desire to learn more about the orphans in this world. Seeds to explore everything so I can be ready when he makes our family's path be known. Whether that path is adoption or orphan care or advocate for His children. To steal the words from an awesome inspiration (I met the beautiful wife/mom of this family at Fellowship's Grief Shared group after my Nana went to Heaven)... "I don't know."
To be educated. To be surrounded by others who don't have the answers. To learn from those who have been there and have something to share. To learn from those that have gone before and already learned. To surround myself with others that feel God tugging at their hearts. To hear the heartbeats of others that were uniquely created by Him to care for orphans-here, there, every where. To ask questions. To hear answers. THAT is why I'm going to Idea Camp: Orphan Care.
For now I pray. I look to Him in the silence. I remove the blinders so I can see the neon red flashing signs so he doesn't have to bang me on the head. I pray. I dream and I wonder. I love my family and fight to keep us centered on Christ in everything we do. I pray. I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't know where. But I know God knows and for me, that is enough.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Pimps will traffic thousands of under-age prostitutes to Texas for Sunday's Super Bowl, hoping to do business with men arriving for the big game with money to burn, child rights advocates said.
This one hit at the core of my selfish ways that take time away from my family, my marriage, my faith...
The “Me Time” Myth
The Old Schoolhouse
I once heard a talk show host give a very compelling argument for why moms need time away. He said mothers give and give to the point of empty. They must refuel themselves so they can continue to give.
It sounded quite reasonable to me. Then why did my search for this hallowed “me time” always leave me feeling as though I needed more? While taking time for myself, I definitely felt refreshed, but the moment I got home and realized the sink was still full of dirty dishes and I would still have to give baths to all the children before the night would be over, I wanted to head right back out the door.
This left me feeling sorry for myself. Why couldn’t I have one night where I wouldn’t have to do the same things I do every night? Why couldn’t I come home to a spotless and trouble-free place where dishes were washed and children were in bed? Why did I have to go back to my duties so soon? To punish those who were making my life difficult, I would loudly sling dishes and be curt and hurried with everyone until I could get children into bed and escape to the sewing room or the computer for the remainder of the evening.
The next morning, feeling dissatisfied with the amount of me time from the evening prior, I would take my coffee, sit at the computer, and completely ignore my daily duties. I would get irritated with the children because their antics were cutting into my time. I was stressed and edgy and desperate for more. My children would call out for me and I would answer, “She’s not here right now.”
Then, I began staying up much too late in order to squeeze in more alone time. I dreaded going to bed because it meant waking up to children’s needs and a disaster of a house.
I became increasingly upset by my husband’s time off from work, along with the business lunches and the business trips. To compensate for the perceived unfairness of the situation, I chose to do nothing on weekends: no laundry, no dishes, no parenting. Soon, my weekends were spilling over both ends and into the weekdays. All of this only served to overwhelm me even more and feed into my desire to escape.
In a moment of clarity, as only the Lord can offer, I saw my behavior for what it truly was: selfishness. Along with this epiphany came the conviction to quit seeking Me Time.
Me Time is a myth. It is an unattainable, always interruptible, never satisfying piece of junk psychology. Me Time, by its very name, suggests that who we are during the daily grind is not who we truly are. It begs us to search for fulfillment outside of the titles of “wife” and “mother.” It accuses precious little ones and God-given spouses for suppressing us. It reduces motherhood to a disease in which little dirty faces and endless monotonous tasks slowly suck the life out of us. It says we can never be refreshed by spending time in the presence of those we care for day in and day out. It points out a perceived hole in our world that needs to be filled, a tank that must be refueled, a monster that will swallow us if we neglect to feed it Me Time.
The more we indulge the thought that we are somehow owed this time away, the more we will seek after it. The more we seek after it, the more every little opportunity afforded us to take a break will seemingly end too quickly. The everyday life of being a mother will become drudgery. We will dread every aspect of this role. We will snap at our children any time they try to draw us out of our precious time alone. Not getting this time will ruin our day, and if we do manage some time away, we will despise the re-entry.
However, with any lie, there is a certain amount of truth hidden within. There is an emptiness within us that needs to be filled, but only God can fill what you are aching for.
“The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.” Lamentations 3:24–25
Our time away should be spent seeking Him. Anything else we try to fill that emptiness with will fall miserably short. Likewise, the company we seek during our time away should be spent with people who are about the business of edifying and strengthening us in our role as wife and mother, not tearing at the very foundation of our home. We will never gain anything but resentment from the counsel of those who encourage us to seek self.
We must cease to see the role of wife and mother as a job we put aside at the end of the day. We must do our daily tasks cheerfully, as unto the Lord. We must learn to enjoy being home with our families. We must find contentment in serving others. We should spend more time drinking in the beauty of our children, searching their eyes, holding their hands, being Mom. When we do feel neglected or overworked, we must immediately seek the Lord to refresh us and keep us from sin.
There will be days when we are afforded opportunities to do things alone or with other women, but if we are content in our God-given role, we will no longer cling so tightly to these moments as the only way to save our sanity. Our need for Me Time will fade as we begin to see motherhood as a blessing not to be escaped, but embraced.
Published on January 26, 2009
Friday, February 4, 2011
Where have I been? What have I been up to?