Sunday, August 2, 2009

Random Thoughts

I was emailing (actually messaging on Facebook) the other day with one of my Cancer Posse chicas (a MUST read for ALL cancer survivors-Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr) and somehow got on the subject of not being in control and having no clue what the future holds. I'll never forget when the doctor said the words, "It's cancer" and then I laid there bawling as he did an exam. All I could think about was my babies having to grow up without a Mama, and I just wanted to know that I was going to live and this was all going to be ok. I'm a planner and I NEEDED a plan faster than pronto!! The days waiting between diagnosis day and finding out what stage it was were grueling. They were the few days I allowed myself to be vulnerable and fear the worst-I bawled at church that Sunday. Then I realized-God is in control, this is all for a greater purpose and he will NOT let this cancer be wasted. I knew no matter what happened I would be ok and so would my family. (Yeah ok so tell me that again around midnight when I can't sleep cuz all I can think about is my appts this week LOL) It wouldn't matter how much I laid in bed, wallowing and worrying-it wasn't going to change the outcome. No one ever knows how much time they have left before they go to Heaven, so why waste the awesome time we have here on earth with the people we love? I don't want my kids to remember Mama laid up in bed crying and too sad to play with them (and YES, I am human and there have been days just like that). I was 6 when my mom first had cancer and honestly the only things I remember were knowing that Mama was sick, having her aunt come from Boston to take care of me and my brother and us not being able to hug her neck because of her surgery. I don't remember her allowing it to devastate her life. Thats how I want my kids to remember this time-we are a team, we pulled together and we beat this!!!

As for the fear of not knowing what the future holds... in the beginning I wanted answers sooooo badly, and still do even today want to know that every single little bitty cancer cell is wiped clean from my body and hasn't found any secret hidey spots. I want to know if/when its going to come back and how bad it might be. But while I was talking to my chica, I realized, ya know, if I had known how awful some of my bad days were really gonna be and had to wake up each morning with that looming over my head, I probably wouldn't have made it. I would have never gotten out of bed, never faced life, and never waged war against this disease. I would have feared those bad days so much and had so much anxiety that no blood transfusions in this world could save my sanity LOL Instead, I woke up every day determined to make it a good day, or at least give it the chance of being a good day. I woke up determined to give the fight all I had and draw all my strength from God and know he wouldn't leave my side. I woke up determined that even if I wasn't strong enough to hold my babies or chase them or push them in the swing, at least I could sit on the floor and give them hugs and make them giggle and read books-all without letting that fear of the possibility of a rough day ruin all of that. So sometimes, its ok to not know exactly what the future holds. God knows what he is doing by protecting us and forcing us to just live in this day and be so incredibly thankful for what each little minute holds.

Other randomness... I'm going to start working on writing my letter to the state's medical board. I've been dreading it and putting it off but I know its something I NEED to do-not just for myself, but for the doctor so she can truly understand her errors and what its done, as well as for the protection of her patients. I have no clue where its going to lead-I'm putting it all in God's hands. I don't want anything out of it other than for it to be acknowledged that mistakes were made. I don't blame the doctor for my cancer but I do think it definitely could have been and should have been caught ALOT sooner than it was, and it shouldn't have taken me having to find a new doctor to get diagnosed. I know people go years searching for a diagnosis so I was very lucky to have found it as early on as we did but there were just too many things that went wrong that cannot be simply chalked up to human error that I feel have to be addressed. So please just say a prayer that God will use me somehow thru this whole process and be with me in my heart as I begin writing the letter. I will post it once I'm done.

Thank you SOOOOOOO much for still praying for me!!! Also this week, Monday afternoon I have my blood work to see if my low hemoglobin was a one time thing or if something is going on, and then Tuesday afternoon I have my one month radiation follow up appt! Can't believe its been a month!!! I AM healing!

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