So I've been having a little bit of an inner struggle going on...
knowing that God has been laying adoption heavy on my heart and that it must be for some purpose
knowing that Ben IS on the same page as me
knowing that financially it just ain't happening right now
wondering "is this just baby fever that will go away?"
debating whether the people in our lives that have been very negative and critical about us even talking about adoption are correct in their opinions or is that just Satan trying to attack us when we are following His plans and bringing Him glory
and then the thoughts just consumed with adoption... dreams (holding the sweet baby and watching him/her flourish in our family), details (age, gender, country, face, personality), guilt (I already have an awesome family, I should be thankful; if I, a person who already has 2 awesome kids, adopt a child, I might be taking a child away from a great couple that is unable to have children... STUPID because I know God has designed us specifically for this child, and this child specifically for us, and there are 147 MILLION orphans-don't think I'm gonna be doing anyone a disservice), grief (no longer creating a child from my body; what this child will already have faced before he/she even comes to our family and what his/her family had to face to allow him/her to be part of our family), and on and on and on.
Thankfully God realized I just needed some peace. Peace about it all. And he gave it to me. This morning. In the shower. LOL I was completely filled with peace that if this IS God's will, it will happen in his time, and it is ok that right now is not the time. God knows the right time and he will move mountains and reveal it to us. It is ok that Hunter is too young right now and that Bella is still working out a lot of junk in her head over mama being sick. It is ok that we still have a mound of medical bills and not enough in savings-He has provided and will continue to provide, and he WILL move the mountains.
God knows what is in my heart-he put it there. He knows exactly when to create this child and exactly what to place in his/her mother's heart and I pray that he gives her peace and strength and courage. He just filled my heart with a peace knowing that this will happen and took away any anxious desires to make it happen faster than pronto. To try and make it happen when it is not God's timing would go against all of what he has in store, and I know it is going to be so awesome and amazing. And then we went to church, and worship was so awesome today and so powerful-it totally restored every bit of peace I had this morning. And who knows what He will bring into our lives 1, 2, 5 years from now... and if adoption is not in His will, that is ok too-at least I will have gained TONS of knowledge about adoption, Africa, and humanity AND had an awesome motivation to get our finances back on track!
So... clarification, for those that are doubting, wondering, criticizing, and at times just plain not being nice...
"You have an awesome family and you should just be thankful for what you have."
I am incredibly thankful. I wake up every single morning and thank God for the amazing blessings he has brought into my life in the form of Ben, Bella & Hunter. I thank him for allowing me to beat cancer so I can still be here with them today. I thank him for allowing me to get out of bed every day and love on my family and soak up every second I have with them. I thank him for allowing me to hold my babies (hey when that gets taken away from you, you savor it). I thank him for these little inspirations that run around my house shrieking their love and just being God's awesome creations. I thank him for allowing me to be their mama, and for bringing the most amazing man into my life and theirs. But just because I already have something awesome-does that mean I shouldn't share that with someone else that God intends to be part of our family? I mean we were a pretty awesome family before Bella was born but that didn't mean we shouldn't have allowed Bella to be part of our family. And we were rockin' along pretty great when it was the MayTrio... yet we had Hunter and everyone welcome him with so much love and excitement-he was Nana's Christmas baby! I'll never stop being thankful-I was thankful before and it was considered "ok" to add more children to our family, so once our family is once again at a point where we are ready for a 3rd, why not? Bringing a 3rd child into the mix does not mean I love Bella or Hunter any less-THAT will never change. Having Hunter didn't mean I loved Bella any less. Loving her so much was a huge reason for having a 2nd, so she could have a best friend and playmate for life, and experience that awesome joy and love that only siblings can share. This experience and bringing this sweet baby into our lives will only enrich Bella and Hunter's lives and cause them to grow in ways I can only begin to imagine.
"You can barely handle the 2 you have now. It isn't fair to them or a 3rd child."
Ok, I'll admit, this one hurts. It rips me to my core and tears my heart to little pieces. Yeah it has been a rough year-anyone who could go through what our family has been through and say otherwise is crazy. Bella has had her moments (sometimes month-long ones) since I got sick but we are handling it alot better now. She is back on track and doing awesome! It is scary to have your mama at home and fine one day and then the next day she is gone... for a week... and when she comes back, she isn't the same mama that left, and she can't get up and play and be wild and crazy like she use to. That would throw any kid for a loop, and she did act out. But we've got it back under control and my sweet Bean has returned! Yep sometimes it is overwhelming when they are both screaming to be fed, or Hunter has a dirty diaper and Bella needs her butt wiped, or neither wants to take a nap... but that is normal, that is part of parenting-it happens. No one is perfect and I've learned not to strive for perfection-it'll kill you and any happiness your family might hope to have. My kids will NEVER for one nanosecond wonder if they are loved or wanted or appreciated. We will always be their #1 fans and support them and their happiness completely. Will adding another one to the mix make things crazy? Definitely, but that is why I love living in the zoo I do:) It will be a MAJOR transition, just like it is anytime you add another member to the family. But we'll work through it and there will be so much love.
I love you for your concern and am so thankful I have awesome people in my life that truly do care (and worry) about me and my family-that makes my heart smile so huge. We are incredibly blessed. This isn't something we are taking lightly-it is HUGE and we get that. We are still processing it all and aren't making any moves anytime soon. We are waiting til we know 100% without a doubt that our family is ready, and the moment we get to that point, I promise we will sit down and talk to you and face any fears you may have. We love you!