YAY Finally Pics

YIKES I knew it had been a LOOOOONG time since I had posted pictures but WOWZERS!!! Life has been just a tad bit busy since Mama started working at NWACC (LOOOOOVE my job and everyone I work with is great!) but we are slooooowly getting into a new routine for our new normal. I told someone the other day, it is nice that life finally doesn't revolve around cancer:) We are ALL looking forward to warmer weather so we can play outside and go for walks.


Hunter is getting SO big!! It seems like he is going through a never-ending growth spurt. He started feeding himself last week-refuses to let anyone help him. So it is quite a messy eating experience but he does great and definitely eats like a growing boy!

Spaghetti & meatballs and corn

His favorite-sweet potatoes

2nd fav-pizza!!! Yep, look at that adorable smirk!! He is definitely looking more like a boy and not my little baby:( Good thing he still loves to cuddle with mama!

This week was Spring Break. Mama still had to work so Bella got to have fun with Nana and Gramma. Mama took off on Wednesday so we could go to the Walton Arts Center and see Nickelodeon Storytime Live (Backyardigans, Ni Hao Kailan, Wonder Pets, and.... DORA!!!). Bella wasn't too sure about all of it at first-really loud and a huge crowd (plus I think the fact that they were live people and not a cartoon kinda threw her off) but by the time Dora came out she was a happy chica!!

Before the show began

We were first row in the balcony-thought that would be the best choice so she could be high up enough to see everything and front row so she wouldn't have to be held up above everyone's heads the whole time. It was perfect and she loved being able to stand up next to the rail and see EVERYTHING:)

HA intermission and my chica is so happy her face can barely contain that smile!!! Note: had to do a wardrobe change into her new Dora/Kailan shirt:)

Happy lil goober:) She had so much fun!!

Checking out the small creek with fish in it after the show

Where did she get those looooooooooong legs from?!?!

Cute lil buster in his big boy jams

This is an older one-you can compare it to the PJ pic above and see how much he has changed in just a month!

My happy guy

Chubster

Bathtime!!! Gotta love both my monkeys with their ear plugs in LOL

Lil heartbreaker

Awesome shirt from Pop for Valentine's Day

Lil Princessa being all serious

Love my happy monster

See all those teeth?!?! He is working on 4 molars at the same time-not fun for Mama & Daddy at night!!!

RAWWWRRRRR

Lil goober-he is seriously always so happy and fun!!!

Chasing Mama trying to get the camera

Sissy reading her Valentine

You can guess what happens next

Peace & A Little Clarification

So I've been having a little bit of an inner struggle going on...

knowing that God has been laying adoption heavy on my heart and that it must be for some purpose

knowing that Ben IS on the same page as me

knowing that financially it just ain't happening right now

wondering "is this just baby fever that will go away?"

debating whether the people in our lives that have been very negative and critical about us even talking about adoption are correct in their opinions or is that just Satan trying to attack us when we are following His plans and bringing Him glory

and then the thoughts just consumed with adoption... dreams (holding the sweet baby and watching him/her flourish in our family), details (age, gender, country, face, personality), guilt (I already have an awesome family, I should be thankful; if I, a person who already has 2 awesome kids, adopt a child, I might be taking a child away from a great couple that is unable to have children... STUPID because I know God has designed us specifically for this child, and this child specifically for us, and there are 147 MILLION orphans-don't think I'm gonna be doing anyone a disservice), grief (no longer creating a child from my body; what this child will already have faced before he/she even comes to our family and what his/her family had to face to allow him/her to be part of our family), and on and on and on.

Thankfully God realized I just needed some peace. Peace about it all. And he gave it to me. This morning. In the shower. LOL I was completely filled with peace that if this IS God's will, it will happen in his time, and it is ok that right now is not the time. God knows the right time and he will move mountains and reveal it to us. It is ok that Hunter is too young right now and that Bella is still working out a lot of junk in her head over mama being sick. It is ok that we still have a mound of medical bills and not enough in savings-He has provided and will continue to provide, and he WILL move the mountains.

God knows what is in my heart-he put it there. He knows exactly when to create this child and exactly what to place in his/her mother's heart and I pray that he gives her peace and strength and courage. He just filled my heart with a peace knowing that this will happen and took away any anxious desires to make it happen faster than pronto. To try and make it happen when it is not God's timing would go against all of what he has in store, and I know it is going to be so awesome and amazing. And then we went to church, and worship was so awesome today and so powerful-it totally restored every bit of peace I had this morning. And who knows what He will bring into our lives 1, 2, 5 years from now... and if adoption is not in His will, that is ok too-at least I will have gained TONS of knowledge about adoption, Africa, and humanity AND had an awesome motivation to get our finances back on track!

So... clarification, for those that are doubting, wondering, criticizing, and at times just plain not being nice...

"You have an awesome family and you should just be thankful for what you have."
I am incredibly thankful. I wake up every single morning and thank God for the amazing blessings he has brought into my life in the form of Ben, Bella & Hunter. I thank him for allowing me to beat cancer so I can still be here with them today. I thank him for allowing me to get out of bed every day and love on my family and soak up every second I have with them. I thank him for allowing me to hold my babies (hey when that gets taken away from you, you savor it). I thank him for these little inspirations that run around my house shrieking their love and just being God's awesome creations. I thank him for allowing me to be their mama, and for bringing the most amazing man into my life and theirs. But just because I already have something awesome-does that mean I shouldn't share that with someone else that God intends to be part of our family? I mean we were a pretty awesome family before Bella was born but that didn't mean we shouldn't have allowed Bella to be part of our family. And we were rockin' along pretty great when it was the MayTrio... yet we had Hunter and everyone welcome him with so much love and excitement-he was Nana's Christmas baby! I'll never stop being thankful-I was thankful before and it was considered "ok" to add more children to our family, so once our family is once again at a point where we are ready for a 3rd, why not? Bringing a 3rd child into the mix does not mean I love Bella or Hunter any less-THAT will never change. Having Hunter didn't mean I loved Bella any less. Loving her so much was a huge reason for having a 2nd, so she could have a best friend and playmate for life, and experience that awesome joy and love that only siblings can share. This experience and bringing this sweet baby into our lives will only enrich Bella and Hunter's lives and cause them to grow in ways I can only begin to imagine.

"You can barely handle the 2 you have now. It isn't fair to them or a 3rd child."
Ok, I'll admit, this one hurts. It rips me to my core and tears my heart to little pieces. Yeah it has been a rough year-anyone who could go through what our family has been through and say otherwise is crazy. Bella has had her moments (sometimes month-long ones) since I got sick but we are handling it alot better now. She is back on track and doing awesome! It is scary to have your mama at home and fine one day and then the next day she is gone... for a week... and when she comes back, she isn't the same mama that left, and she can't get up and play and be wild and crazy like she use to. That would throw any kid for a loop, and she did act out. But we've got it back under control and my sweet Bean has returned! Yep sometimes it is overwhelming when they are both screaming to be fed, or Hunter has a dirty diaper and Bella needs her butt wiped, or neither wants to take a nap... but that is normal, that is part of parenting-it happens. No one is perfect and I've learned not to strive for perfection-it'll kill you and any happiness your family might hope to have. My kids will NEVER for one nanosecond wonder if they are loved or wanted or appreciated. We will always be their #1 fans and support them and their happiness completely. Will adding another one to the mix make things crazy? Definitely, but that is why I love living in the zoo I do:) It will be a MAJOR transition, just like it is anytime you add another member to the family. But we'll work through it and there will be so much love.

I love you for your concern and am so thankful I have awesome people in my life that truly do care (and worry) about me and my family-that makes my heart smile so huge. We are incredibly blessed. This isn't something we are taking lightly-it is HUGE and we get that. We are still processing it all and aren't making any moves anytime soon. We are waiting til we know 100% without a doubt that our family is ready, and the moment we get to that point, I promise we will sit down and talk to you and face any fears you may have. We love you!

He said, "YES!!"

We've got an answered prayer, folks!! I have been consistently (ok non-stop) praying that God would soften Ben's heart, open his eyes to God's will, and give me the words, patience and understanding to scoot Ben and I onto the same page-IF it is His will. So after having "adoption preggo brain" for the past week (thoughts and heart consumed with adoption dreams), doing lots of research and just praying that God would give me the words and the right moment to have a serious talk with Ben-we were finally able to talk last night (not that we don't normally talk, but without kids or any other distractions and just totally focus on adoption).

I just laid my heart out there and prayed he wouldn't think I had lost the few marbles I have left or totally reject the idea. Before last night, we had only really talked about adoption as a dream-not a reality that we would seriously pursue. He said, "YES!!" We are on the same page as far as wanting this child (the one God has already created just for us, and us for him/her-whether he/she already exists yet or not, God has designed our family as part of his plans).

More prayers are needed-few more areas to iron out:

WHEN...Even though we both agree that ultimately it is all in God's time and are so so so so grateful for that!! His timing is what brought Bella & Hunter into our hearts. Ben says 5-10 years and I won't lie-I nearly choked on my water I was laughing so hard!!! I say NOW. We'll see what the boss has in store! I have complete faith that when God knows our family is ready and our next child is ready, he will move the mountains.

WHERE...domestic vs. international, and if international, which specific country-we all know where my heart is LOL

WHO...though we both definitely agree that God already knows the who and will reveal it all in his time-we need him to guide us since boy vs. girl, age, etc. is all part of the application/referral process.

Just so thankful we were able to sit down and really talk it through and process where our hearts are and dream together. God blessed me so much by bringing Ben into my life and creating us specifically for each other, and building our family together. Makes me want to go grab some popcorn and just sit back and see what God has got in store for us!!!

PS-For those of you who are reading this and it is your first time to ever hear of this crazy awesome plan of ours, please just breathe, open your heart and know that this is not something we are taking lightly. We are not doing it tomorrow, it is most definitely something in the verrrrrry beginning stages and we are far from even beginning the application process. We aren't making any moves until we get our debt greatly reduced and are able to start saving more towards the adoption costs. I know we'll probably get alot of "you are crazy", "be thankful for the family you have", and other criticism-I've asked God to protect my heart and just pray that once you are able to process it all, that you'll understand and give this child nothing but love and acceptance just as you have done with Bella & Hunter. This is not a "project" or crazy "idea"-it is a child that is meant to be part of our family and I cannot wait to bring him/her home for all of us to just wrap up with love and happiness. Love you!!!

Step 1: Debt

This has been the one (HUGE) negative thought looming over my heart-debt. Obviously we have some since we had quite the expensive 2009:

• Hunter born mid-December 2008, med bills didn't arrive til January 2009
• Bella's tube surgery (doc, hospital, anesthesiologist)
  
• Diagnosed with cancer in April: oncologist visits, major expensive surgery, radiation (although I had met my out-of-pocket max, insurance still charged $25 copay for every single thing-each radiation treatment, weekly xray, blood checks, weekly doc visits, EVERYTHING)
• Blood transfusion
• Mammogram and subsequent breast biopsy
• Hunter's tube surgery (doc, hospital, anesthesiologist)

Not to mention that at the beginning of 2009 I was still working from home and my hours were JUNK because of the change in the Administration (hold on most Congressional projects) and then recession and stimulus which didn't favor Congressional projects. Got my 1099 the other day and compared to my W2-in November and December alone I made 1/2 of what I made all year on 1099!!! No wonder we were strapped.

So step number 1: get on the ball!! FINALLY put into practice everything we learned from Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. Get on the envelope system (I think this will help me immensely) and stick to a hardcore budget (ok so we'll start with a test edition with the understanding it can be revised over a period of a few months til we get somewhere that works for us). Pre-cancer our emergency fund had been established and we were working on the next baby steps of saving 3-6 months income and knocking out debt. Post-cancer there were a few months where we were literally living on credit cards.

So we have a ways to go but that was something I already knew, and played a big factor in my "pray pray pray for the remainder of 2010". A huge part of me wants to send off for that information packet and get the application process started but I know there is alot of preparation our family needs to begin before we can even start seriously dreaming. Handing it over to Him to take my anxiety and fear!!

Wisdom & Discernment

I laid in bed praying ALOT last night-mainly for wisdom and discernment. Mostly discernment and then wisdom to know what to do with what I discern (hey a girl can hope!!). Just to know whether this is truly God's will, if it is the Holy Spirit proding my heart (and giving me some crazzzzzy baby fever), if it is Satan breaking me down when I worry how in the world will we ever make this work (or is that God attempting to warn me to just not even go after it)... and on and on.

I know this awesome dream is way off in the future of coming true but my head is just FULL of adoption thoughts. My thoughts-pray pray pray on it for the rest of 2010 and then start moving forward... but also thankful for God's timing and just trying to remember to breath and let HIM be in charge. Hunter was not "unplanned" but he definitely came to be ALOT sooner than OUR plans had laid out (found out we were pregnant in April 08 but hadn't planned on that happening until later that year or even into 2009-ended up diagnosed with cancer April 2009). God is SOOO awesome and he knew what the future held, he knew the cancer was coming and that this was the absolute last moment that I could conceive a child-so thankful for His timing!! So I know that if this truly is his plan for our family and for this possible child, that his timing will prevail (despite the fact that I want it NOW-I'm learning that "now" just isn't in His vocabulary and am grateful for that every moment of every day).

So wisdom and discernment, and allowing God's will and timing to prevail. Then the morning comes and sweet Bella Bean pipes in. We have not voiced any of our plans or dreams to her at this point-have only tossed it around between ourselves after the kiddos have gone to bed. She wakes up this morning and says, "Mama I had a dream. I want a baby sissy. We have one boy, one big girl, one little girl" and proceeded to show me the three little people on her fingers. Mama got her morning milk and took a quick potty break so I could compose myself after that lil revelation!!!

Off to play with my Bean (ANOTHER snow day, Daddy had to work and Hunter's daycare was open so its a chica day). Gonna try to just focus on being the Godly mom and wife that God designed me to be for my "right now" family-though I'll admit, this weekend, every little thing we did or said I was imaging another little person added to the mix, and every time it made my heart do huge loopy-de-loops and major smiles!!

Cancer + Adoption

A little of today's research. When this whole dream began sprouting, the fact that I HAD cancer never really played a factor in my mind. Even when I was kicking cancer's butt, I didn't see myself as "sick", and still struggle to get it into my mind that I had cancer and beat it (and had a few close brushes with NOT beating it). So I guess that makes it hard for me to imagine being turned away for adoption. But after only a tiny bit of research, I've discovered that MANY countries do not allow cancer survivors to adopt. And even with the countries that do allow cancer survivors to adopt, you have to be picky with the agency. And then, they may require that I be cancer free for several years (in April I will just be one year out from diagnosis).

Most adoption agencies report that they do not rule out cancer survivors as potential parents, especially with documentation from a doctor stating that lifespan and quality of life are expected to be good. However, some agencies do require a certain amount of time to pass before allowing a survivor to be eligible (e.g. 5 years).

CancerPoints:
Countries from which cancer survivors have adopted children include: Colombia, Ethiopia, Guatemala, Kazakhstan, Nepal, Russia, South Korea (5 years), Ukraine, United States of America and Vietnam.

AWAA is out of the picture: Prospective parents must be free of cancer or other life-threatening diseases for at least three (3) years before applying to AWAA. At least we don't have to worry about this part (LOL): Families who are in the process of adopting from China who become pregnant must withdraw from the adoption process until their birth child is one year old. Families who are in the process of adopting from other countries who become pregnant must withdraw from the adoption process until their birth child is 6 months old. A family whose adoption has been withdrawn should inform us if their pregnancy does not come to term.

Did find some hope:

http://theeyesofmyeyesareopened.blogspot.com/ (Ethiopia)

http://www.thisisnow.org/ (domestic adoption)

Keep on praying!! Gonna go dig some more while Bean naps (sounds like she is napping at least, haven't heard her reading over the monitor in a few-LOVE listening to her sweet voice).

Just ready this on Gladney:

Q: My wife was diagnosed with colon cancer a few months ago. We are curious if we would still be able to adopt a child.

A: Gladney requires that prospective parents be cancer free for at least one full year before starting the adoption process. As long as the prospective parent is currently healthy and can provide a letter from their physician stating so, there shouldn't be any problems.

The Beginning

As far back as I can remember, my heart was already growing a special place for adoption. Even as a young girl growing up in a small town in north Texas, I was passionately intrigued by stories of adoption, and not just the novelty of it, but actually having an intense desire for it to be a part of my life.

Before I met Ben, MY plan was to have 3 boys (no thought ever really went into HOW these 3 children were going to come to be), stay single, live in an awesome cottage with TONS of land in the country with a short commute to a big city-yep, basically your everyday Angelina. Thankfully God had so much more amazing things in store for us! I met Ben and quickly threw away any single-mom-of-3-in-big-city notions out the window. (oh you are an awesome mighty God!)

Even in the beginning we randomly threw around the idea of adoption but both agreed we wanted to at least try to have children of our own. Again, God blessed us-in ways we didn't even realize at first. Isabella Grace was born in July 2006-we fell instantly in love and she has had us wrapped around her adorable (yet, at times, wiggly bossy) finger from the moment we laid eyes on the first of at least 10 positive pregnancy tests. Less than 2 years later, Ben was welcomed home by a little surprise:
Hunter Thomas was born December 2008 (thankfully NOT on his due date!!) and we became the May Quad. Flash forward 4 months, I hear the words, "It is cancer". Totally unexpected and unimaginably life changing. I was growing cancer at the same time I was growing our sweet baby boy. God is an all knowing God, and if Mr. Hunter is not proof of that, I'm not sure what is.

April 28, 2009 I had a radical hysterectomy, bilateral salpingo-oopherectomy and removal of 12 lymph nodes in the pelvic-abdominal region. In layman's terms, basically every internal female organ I once had was no more. I would never again grow a baby in my womb. At first, this thought did not phase me-I was in warrior mode just trying to literally live each day and defeat this disease. So what if I was missing a few parts... I was alive! After 28 treatments (every weekday for 6 weeks) of external radiation and a blood transfusion (aka my vampire treatment) and my first post-op, post-radiation CAT scan, I was declared cancer free!!! I never knew such sweet words!

Life sloooowly began to creep back to normal-or more like our "new normal". This new normal consists of us having to tenderly broach the subject of "Mama is going to the doctor" with Bella anytime my check-ups come around (every 3 months) because her precious heart cannot let go of that raw fear of that one time Mama "went to the doctor" and didn't come home for almost a week and how much it changed her sweet, innocent life. This new normal is me being thankful every day that Hunter was only 4 months old and will likely not have any fear-filled memories of his mama's cancer conquering days-even though I still weep over the days I missed holding him in my arms, bonding through feeding him my milk, and having to hear his giggles seep through the walls as I lay in bed struggling to overcome fatigue. This new normal is me, finally crossing over to "the other side" where I AM cancer free but have lost the ability to ever again surprise my husband with a pregnancy test. This new normal is me feeling my heart well up and overflow with the thought of the ability to once again bring home a baby for my family to surround with love, acceptance, awe, and a yearning to show God's love. Can you "hear" the celebration in my voice?

The seed really got planted when my sweet Mrs. Kathy (part of my Cancer Posse-diagnosed at the same time and our radiation appts were back to back so I was immensely blessed by her hugs and sweet notes each afternoon-she kept me going!) showed me a picture of her newest grandbaby, Sosi. If you don't fall in love with that sweet face, you need to get your heart checked out!!! I followed the Rusch Family's story as they experienced their "Gotcha Day" and brought beautiful Sosna Elle home-and every time (even AGAIN today) I watch the story unfold through their pictures, I end up bawling (poor Ben keeps thinking I forgot to change my hormone patch LOL). It has awoken something in my heart that I had long forgotten (or maybe just pushed aside for a bit til God knew it was His time to gently remind me). And God has worked through me to gently re-awaken the same in Ben (ok, so a bit of a slower process there but we gotta tread lightly with the old folks LOL). This is still very very very much a tiny work in process (though my heart is saying, "Hello, this is HUGE!!!") and only in the very beginning stages of even thinking of possibly considering, but I have a feeling it is something that will not leave my heart or mind or prayers for a very long time.

Please just pray that if this IS indeed God's will, that He will prepare our family (emotionally, spiritually, physically in health, financially, etc), that He will bring forth the child that he has already designed specifically for our family (and us for this child) and that He will pave the way to bring us together. I named this blog "Chiduben" or "guided by God" in the African language of Igbo. I just pray that this whole process will truly be guided by God.

Off for now to do my normal Danielle thing-research:)

The Cancer Aftermath

When I was in the midst of my cancer battle, I longed for the days when I could finally say those 2 sweet words "cancer free". I am thankful to God, my awesome healer, for getting me to that point. I just never imagined the ongoing aftermath of cancer. Sometimes it is frustrating and discouraging to have one thing after another pop up and in the end all point back to either my cancer, my surgery, my radiation or my blood counts being so low they were classified as "life threatening". In my head I know, and am continually working to accept, the fact that every little twinge, pain or "off" thing is going to send me into a spiral of worrying whether the cancer is back or if a new cancer has started to take over my body. I'm trying to look at things positively and remind myself that at least by the time I get to the age where a normal person would actually be having all these procedures (mammogram, colonoscopy, breast biopsy) that I'll have already gone through it and be an old pro and have no worries:) I just pray to God for peace, discernment, wisdom, and the strength and desire to make that leap from surviving to thriving-my new goal for 2010!!

So the latest... had a colonoscopy this morning. It honestly was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be-I was totally zonked out so I didn't even know when it started or when it was happening, and all the nurses were so awesome and kind. The worst part, as you can easily imagine, was the prep-not even gonna go into those pretty details LOL Really wasn't fun when you are attempting to help your spouse get 2 little people to bed, and pathetically even the "food" on Cafe World (Facebook) was looking soooo scrumptious!

I had the colonoscopy because I've had alot of lingering symptoms since my last radiation treatment-some of it started during radiation, some stopped when radiation stopped, some continued and some new ones started. So my oncologist wanted to make sure it was related to damage from radiation and nothing else was going on.

YAY good news (or I guess best that it can be in this case)-I have radiation proctitis (no cancer, no polyps, no biopsy necessary, so basically as "normal" as could be in my case). Apparently 75% of cancer patients who receive radiation to the pelvis/abdomen end up with radiation proctitis. We are hoping mine is mild enough that it can be treated with medication.

First attempt will be an anti-inflammatory enema, once nightly for one month (oh yeah, gonna be fun evenings in our house BLAH). The surgeon also mentioned trying an anti-spasm medication which I think would do wonders because I had to take something similar when I had bladder issues during radiation and it helped alot-so I'll discuss going ahead with that when I see him next month. If neither of those work, we'll look into other meds and as a last resort, surgery. Gonna definitely do my research and find any and every med tried so I can avoid surgery!!

So the near future holds- breast biopsy follow up with Dr. Friesen on Friday, colonoscopy follow up with Dr. Rogers early next month, routine oncologist appt in April, and then follow up mammogram this summer. I soooo long to be 5 years out, officially in "remission" and prayerfully done with all this JUNK!! But I know I just need to rest and be thankful that I AM cancer free, I'm not in the middle of that battle, and I am ALIVE-here with my husband, my babies, my family and friends, and am able to get out of bed every day and not only just function but live a pretty darn awesome life:)

Thanks for all the sweet and encouraging emails and cards-love you and thank you for the prayers!!

Cancer Free!!!

WOOOO awesome report-the path results from my biopsy show NO CANCER!!! When the nurse called to tell me on Monday, I screamed, "AWESOME!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU" and then hung up on her:) LOL oops!! I was just too excited and didn't even think to ask questions. Thankfully I have a follow up appt next week. I was able to take off the binding on Wednesday (never thought I'd be so thankful for a normal bra LOL) and only have bruising now (not swollen or sore anymore-YAY). We have done so much rejoicing this week-thank you SOOOO much for all of your prayers!!!

On to the next medical adventure.... I seriously cried all the way home on Wednesday just being sick of medical junk always looming in the distance attempting to consume my thoughts-kinda let it take over for a bit that afternoon. I have been diagnosed with radiation colitis. Unfortunately when you have radiation, it not only kills the nasty cancer cells but the good healthy ones too (did you see Grey's Anatomy this week and the "smart" radiation that only kills the cancer cells-AWESOME!!!). So my radiation was to my pelvis and abdomen and apparently it did quite a bit of damage to the organs in my abdomen and that is why I'm still having alot of the radiation after effects, still this far out from my last treatment. So lucky me, I get to have a colonoscopy on Jan. 27th. I'm trying to be positive and look at it as once I do get old to the age where it is actually normal to have these kind of lovely procedures, I won't have to have any fear cuz I'll already know what to expect-HA, gotta find the silver lining and that is what I came up with! So if you can say a little prayer that the procedure goes off without a hitch and everything comes back just peachy:) I'm ready for a year when I'm no longer a never-ending prayer request LOL But am eternally greatful for all of your prayers!!!

PS-Chubs is walking!!! Gonna try to get it on video this weekend and post it on the family blog:)

Blah

Threw myself a big ol pity party tonight-felt kinda good to just let go of the tough girl facade and have a nice lil meltdown:) Gonna pray lots tonight cuz I think Satan is really trying to creep in and plant lots of anxiety, doubt, worry and TONS of anger.

I know cancer will always be a part of my life. I know every ache, pain, weird "off" thing will cause me to think, "Is it back?" But dangit I do NOT want to go through this again! I do NOT want my family to have to be dragged through it. I hate even thinking about my life possibly having to revolve around cancer all over again.

I've been positive since I found out I was gonna have surgery. Just gonna get in there, get this junk out and it'll be nothing. Not sure what the heck my problem is today but it ain't fun! I guess just the fear of yet another surgery, dreading the wait over the weekend, and knowing anytime my phone rings on Monday or Tuesday I will want to throw it. I'm gonna tell the surgeon that if it is bad news, they need to call me and tell me to come in. Don't tell me over the phone. I want my family with me this time. Finding out last time all alone when I went in thinking they were just gonna stop the bleeding again was not fun (granted they didn't get the path report til after I was already there so there was no way to avoid it). If its good news, then they can call and just tell me over the phone and I'll jump around squeeling like a goofball:) Oh I hope I get to jump!!!

Last week, one night when I was having a doubtful moment, I just said to God, "Ok, seriously if this is what you need to be able to use me in awesome ways, I'll take one for the team. Use me use me use me but it better be all for your glory God!!!" Yeah that sacrificing moment didn't last too long-went right back to praying for no cancer! But seriously, the last time around, God used me in so many awesome ways and still is, just touching people and being there, being able to use that whole experience for his glory has been life changing. Then I said, "Ok, but really God, could we just skip a 2nd dose of it? Is it REALLY necessary?" I dunno-just a crazy back and forth dialogue I've got going with him-somehow keeps me sane:)

Hunter's 1st Bday, Christmas & Snow

Yep-behind again!! Instead of playing catch up, I'll just post the most recent pics:) Hunter turned 1 in December-still cannot believe my baby is letting go of furniture and walking, eating real food, and having a blast with his big sissy!!! We had a white Christmas-and LOTS of snow days!! It was definitely a holiday full of thanks and blessings-so happy to be healthy and able to spend every day with my family.

My silly guys

My name is Bella and I have OCD-seriously she had to take breaks while opening gifts so she could gather up the bags and trash LOL

Snuggling with Uncle Popeye

Smart guy figuring out puzzles (seriously, he amazes me!)

Answered prayers~they LOVE to play together!!!

Guilty?

Dr. May

Playing with Nana

Wasn't too sure what to think of the cupcake (definitely my texture yuk kiddo)

EWWWW get this junk off my fingers NOW!!!!

Ahhh much better with a spoon:)

YUM crumbs

Sissy on the otherhand just digs right in

Cheeser in her dress from Aunt 'Net (THANK YOU!!!)

LOVE my lil lady in her snow angel princessy dress ($5 @ Target WOOO)

Love my Cheeser Bean

Merry Christmas!!!

Santa visit (you can see Bella's reaction LOL)

We took a ride on the carousel after seeing Santa

Daddy's girls

Christmas Eve Service @ Fellowship-lil glowstick elves

Christmas Eve at Papa's (Bella decorated the tree)

Chubs showing Uncle Buddah how to work his new camera

His general reaction to Christmas this year LOL

Babies checking out the white stuff


Playing in the ball pit-they both had a blast!

My sweet Santa baby growing up

Lil Snow bunny

Being silly on Christmas at Papa's

Our Southern Blizzard

My People-loves you!!

My guys

T-R-O-U-B-L-E

Missy's hair when she wakes up in the morning-seriously have to tame that mess every morning!!!

Mr. Man decided to climb up and sit like a big boy with Sissy (eating crackers with the Doras). Bella said, "Mama! Look, brother is a big boy now!! I'm so proud!" LOL

His favorite sneaky spot under the end table

Best buds

Gamers chilling with old school NES (one of our snow days-we had a karoake dance fest and old school NES Duck Hunt)

True Gamer-has a device for each hand LOL